Brandi Lewis (00:46)
But I do want you to start the beginning of this episode, just talking about that faith move and how it came about.

Courtney Page (00:56)
we started praying, I want to say in about 2022 at the beginning of that year, my husband and I started praying about having a baby and just starting a family. And, you know, went to my…

OB and she was just like, yeah, just, you know, start trying, try for a year. And then if it doesn’t happen after a year, then we’ll plan B. Right. So we were thinking, we don’t have to, you know, do that. You know, his, his mom, my mother-in-law had three boys, my mom had three girls. So we were like, it should be easy. No stress, whatever. ⁓ and then as we got close to like the end of that year, it’s like,

You know, it’s like three months left in the year, then two months left, and one month left, and then you start to worry. You start to get a little nervous about, well, what’s gonna happen? And then you go back and you say, well, we’ve been trying for years, it still hadn’t happened. Now at this time, I’m coaching, I’m in grad school. I’m also doing a new job. My husband’s coaching, he’s teaching.

Brandi Lewis (01:53)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (02:17)
⁓ We barely saw each other. was like, you know, just two ships passing in the night. You know, like we barely saw each other. ⁓ Super busy, super, I mean, I wouldn’t say very stressful, just like time demanding jobs, right? Where you’re caring for other people’s children. ⁓ And so then that next year comes up, we go see ⁓

Brandi Lewis (02:35)
Yeah.

Courtney Page (02:46)
my doctor and she’s like, okay, we’ll just have to do like further testing and all this other stuff. ⁓ And nothing happened, no diagnosis, nothing, right? So she’s like, okay, well, I’m gonna recommend y’all go to a specialist. So we’re like, okay, we go to the specialist. He’s like, it was a very negative appointment, right? So he was like, you might not ever be a mom.

And I was like, what? You know, and that’s a doctor saying this to me, someone who’s supposed to be a specialist. ⁓ And he’s like, you might not ever be a mom just from just the looks of it, from an outsider looking in, not really knowing anything. Well, there’s no diagnosis, but it might just not be in the cards for you. I was like, okay. Yeah. ⁓

Brandi Lewis (03:41)
Yeah, that was never a thought for you at that time.

Courtney Page (03:45)
So then we take a moment, we take a break, we’re just like, okay, let’s stop trying, let’s just figure out what to do next. So I go back to my doctor and she’s like, I am so sorry that happened to you. That is not how a specialist appointment is supposed to happen. So then ⁓ we end up going to see someone else and super positive, right? ⁓

and we end up trying IUI, right? So ⁓ not completely to the IBF stage, but just wanting to try IUI. We didn’t want to be that intense ⁓ right off the bat. So we try IUI for a couple of months. It doesn’t work either, right? ⁓ So then at that point, we’re like, let’s just stop everything.

You know, so let’s just not think about it. It was becoming more stressful than it was. Like the joy of trying to be a parent was not there anymore. So we just stopped trying. At that point though, I felt like even within those two years, I saw my husband take on a role of being a caretaker.

Brandi Lewis (04:42)
Yeah, it’s becoming stressful. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Courtney Page (05:08)
because I had had a surgery done just to see if there was something wrong and there was nothing. There was no diagnosis. No doctor could figure out anything. Nothing was wrong with either one of us. I’m ovulating when I’m supposed to and he’s perfectly fine and there’s nothing, right? ⁓ And I’m an open book, you know, and my sister knows I’m an open book. ⁓ But… ⁓

Yeah, there’s, I mean, nothing’s wrong with Alex, nothing’s wrong with me. So we’re like, well, then what’s the problem, right? Like what’s, what’s happening? What do we do? Um, so thank God we have doctors and we had doctors and nurses and we also, I mean, that were Christian, but we also have a family that prays and a family that’s in our corner. Um,

Brandi Lewis (06:01)
Yeah. Yeah.

Courtney Page (06:04)
and a family that, like our siblings, our parents, we have even friends that are in our corner that are praying for us and things like that. So we know we have God on our side and we just stop trying and we just take the pressure off. And ⁓ we end up finding out.

And before I say when we found out, it’s just God’s timing is beautiful. When we stop trying, when we stop, we take our minds off of it, we honestly leave it to God. I graduated from grad school, things were just slowing down for me, things were slowing down for Alex, he was out of football season. And we just end up…

Brandi Lewis (06:32)
Thank

Courtney Page (06:52)
just leaving it all in God’s hands and we’re like, it’s his timing, right? Like it’s his timing. He’s the ultimate physician. He’s the one who’s going to tell us when we are going to be blessed with this child. And it ends up being that we find out on Valentine’s Day of 2024 that we are pregnant with our son. And I was like, he’s so sweet. Like that was the best Valentine’s ever.

Brandi Lewis (06:56)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (07:22)
I just remember being at work. I was so tired. I had never been that tired in my life. ⁓ And I just kept falling asleep at my desk and I was like, what is happening? ⁓ And one of my coworkers kept checking in on me. She just kept coming in. She’s like, are you okay today? I was like, I don’t know what’s happening. I am exhausted. ⁓ And she’s an older lady. She has three kids. And anyway, so she was like…

Brandi Lewis (07:42)
you

Courtney Page (07:50)
Huh, she’s like something’s off anyway, but she just, she knew it was like she had this like motherly instinct. Yeah. Um, and I was like, no, I don’t think so. I was like, I think I’m just really tired. I just stayed up late, whatever.

Brandi Lewis (07:55)
Yeah, she could look at you. Yeah.

Courtney Page (08:06)
We get home and my husband’s like, well, it’s Valentine’s Day. Let’s go to our favorite restaurant, which is this hole in the wall Mexican restaurant, La Casina. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. Just feed me. I’m good. So we go there and I, it’s just like the smell instantly. I’m like, I can’t be here. I’m about to throw up. And then we find out that night that I was pregnant. And so I was like,

⁓ my gosh.

Brandi Lewis (08:37)
think a big part of that story too is Alex was very big about saying, let’s stop everything. Yeah. How was that for you?

Courtney Page (08:45)
Yes. Yeah. And yeah, I’ll go to that.

⁓ I, during my prayer time, I had been asking God to just tell me like, what do I need to hear? Like, what do I, what do need to do? What am I, you know, what do need to cut back on? What do I, you know, and he was like, let your husband lead. Listen, just listen.

Brandi Lewis (09:13)
Mmm, wow.

Wow.

Courtney Page (09:15)
Let him

lead. Let him lead you. Let him lead your household. And I was like, okay. And so one day, I mean, even if it’s probably not that next day after I heard that, Alex was like, let’s just stop. He was like, let’s just take a moment and let’s regroup. And like I said, on part one, he said it’s already written. He was like, it’s already done.

Brandi Lewis (09:40)
Yeah.

Courtney Page (09:42)
You just, we just need to take a step back. need to take a moment, regroup and just trust in him, laid at his feet and just breathe. So we ended up taking this little vacation to Dauphin Island just for the weekend and just took a breath and just sat in the Lord’s presence. We like barely watched any TV.

We watched the sun rise, we watched the sun set, we took walks on the beach, we just spent time together, ⁓ but in his presence and just regrouping and that’s what we needed to just relax. ⁓ that all came, I mean, that was all the Lord just speaking through my husband for me to…

Brandi Lewis (10:21)
Yeah.

Courtney Page (10:37)
be obedient and listen to God’s word and what God wanted me to do. Because as a woman, you’re the one carrying the baby. So you’re the one who’s blaming yourself. Like, it’s my fault, but I’ve gotta do this, I’ve gotta do that because I’m the one carrying the baby. It’s my fault. So that’s when that…

Brandi Lewis (10:39)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. You put a lot of the

pressure on yourself. Yeah.

Courtney Page (11:01)
the pressure, the stress, and

then that anxiety started to creep back in, right? So, ⁓ of me like retreating and going to my old ways of like not talking, right? Of being like, it’s okay, I’m good. Like, it’s gonna happen. But in deep down, deep down inside, like in my gut and in the back of my head, I’m like, what if it doesn’t happen? And then I’m like,

Brandi Lewis (11:06)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (11:31)
people are probably thinking like, isn’t this happening? You know, and no one’s probably thinking that. They’re just, cause no one ever said it to me, right? But in your mind, yeah.

Brandi Lewis (11:40)
Yeah. Again, it’s you. Yeah. You put that

pressure on yourself. Yeah. Yeah. I think that’s a big thing that obedience. Like you said, God said, he’s the head. Alex is the head of this family. Let him lead. And you getting that from God, but also being obedient to that, I think is very big as well. ⁓ It takes a lot to do that.

Courtney Page (11:45)
Right.

Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (12:07)
especially when our flesh wants to do something so different, ⁓ being obedient to what God has told us as well. Well, now Sterling is his name. I’m an auntie, so he’s mine too. ⁓ Sterling is one. So what I want to talk about is how has it been this first year of motherhood for you? You’ve been in a year now.

Courtney Page (12:18)
Yeah.

Teebeebee? Yep, Teebeebee.

Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (12:36)
and you’ve got forever to go. So tell me about the first year of motherhood. How has that been?

Courtney Page (12:37)
I know. Yes.

That was wild. ⁓ Not even gonna lie. Honestly, those, they call it the fourth trimester because it’s like those first three months here just yeah, postpartum. ⁓ That was wild. No one talks about

Brandi Lewis (12:45)
Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, you’re still in it.

Courtney Page (13:10)
the night sweats that you have as a woman postpartum. Like your dread, like the sheets, it’s like you had a fever that you didn’t even know about and you wake up and you’re like, why are my clothes soaking wet and why are the sheets soaking wet? Yeah, like no one told me that. And then there were people that, like some of my friends who had kids and even mama.

Brandi Lewis (13:14)
Yeah. Yeah.

wow.

Courtney Page (13:36)
Like she was like, yeah, that’s that. was like, so no one, no one was gonna let me in on that. So yeah, the night sweats and then just like when he would cry, just a diaper change or, you know, if he was in another room and he was crying or someone, if like my parents were holding him or if Alex was holding him and he would cry, the rage, like the, you just.

Brandi Lewis (13:39)
No one gave you a warning.

Courtney Page (14:06)
You have to like, it’s like a mama bear going to protect your cub, right? Like someone’s hurting my child. Where is he? You just are like, give him to me, right? But you don’t, you’re not meaning to, you’re just like, I’m the only one who can console him or console my child. like, give me my baby, right? ⁓ Didn’t know that was a thing. And then, ⁓

Brandi Lewis (14:10)
Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (14:36)
As I’ve talked about anxiety, the postpartum anxiety comes in, Of like, am I gonna do good? Am I gonna do well? Or am I gonna be a good mom? And just going back to critiquing yourself, right? Like making sure you’re doing the best job you can do in order to take care of this.

Brandi Lewis (14:51)
Yeah.

Courtney Page (14:57)
tiny new human. And I honestly did not want to leave the hospital because I was like, wait, none of these nurses are coming with me to make sure that I am feeding him on time. I was like, wait, we’re leaving? We have to leave? Like, can we not, you know, ⁓ can we stay just like, give me like one more night? No, but ⁓ yeah, so those first three months were a win, right? Like you’re so exhausted. ⁓

Brandi Lewis (15:06)
Yeah.

Can we stay one more night?

Courtney Page (15:27)
And then no one tells you either that you have to go to the pediatrician like the day after you get home. And I’m like, huh? So I get to the pediatrics office and they’re talking and all I hear is like Charlie Brown, like when she’s on the phone, like wah, wah, wah, wah. No, nothing’s registered. ⁓

Brandi Lewis (15:34)
Yeah.

Yeah, nothing’s coming through.

That’s so crazy that you don’t hear about that a lot. Like after having a child, especially your first child, like what to expect, like, cause your body has just gone through something, something that’s very beautiful, but something that also could be traumatic to your body. So your body sounds like it’s trying to adjust as well.

Courtney Page (16:01)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

And it’s like the biggest hormonal change in a female’s body, like right after they have a baby or like hormonal drop. And it was just… And you can tell like every… your emotions are all over the place. Everything is everywhere. So it’s like… But no one tells you these things until you actually are in it. And they’re like, yeah, expect this, expect that. And you’re like, okay. Wow. Right.

Brandi Lewis (16:20)
Mm. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And maybe because they don’t want to worry you. Maybe that’s one reason why,

which I get that. Yeah, I’m I’m a prepare. I like to prepare. Yeah. would know ahead of time what to expect.

Courtney Page (16:43)
But you know me, I need to know. I have, I have, I have got to know. I need to know. But, and

I did have an amazing team of doulas and also my OBGYN was amazing. ⁓ They all worked together, communicated everything as much as possible. mean, I’ve…

Brandi Lewis (16:57)
Yeah. Yeah.

Courtney Page (17:07)
felt like I was so prepared going into the delivery room and even like after and my doula’s coming over for like three hours after to do laundry, let me sleep, take care of Sterling while, you know, I just took a nap or took a shower, did something, right? ⁓ So that was nice, but I mean, this year has been nothing short of amazing. ⁓

Brandi Lewis (17:09)
That’s good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (17:33)
learning things about myself, ⁓ falling more in love with Alex as a dad ⁓ and just a husband, just watching him be a caretaker to our son and be more of a, like, just be a role model even more, you know, like he has been one for so many boys being a football coach, but.

Brandi Lewis (17:40)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (17:58)
Wow, like now that he has a son, it’s like a whole different person. mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (18:03)
It’s a different dynamic now for your family too. Yeah. You guys have

now have a very important role caring for a child of your own now.

Courtney Page (18:11)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and it’s been a blessing. And his personality is coming through and he is hilarious. He is, he is. ⁓ But he’s so chill. ⁓ But he’s also, he wants to be outside. Yes, wants to be outside no matter how cold it is. Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (18:20)
He is silly. He’s gonna be silly. Yeah.

He loves outdoors. He loves outdoors.

Yeah, yeah, that’s what’s wild to me. He does not complain,

they’re wild.

Courtney Page (18:40)
Uh-uh,

uh-uh. And he doesn’t cry. He just cries when he’s hungry or sleepy, which is fair. ⁓ We all do, but ⁓ that’s it. He is the easiest. We have been blessed with the most amazing child ever, because he’s so happy. ⁓ And he is. And we call him our little sunshine boy, because he genuinely is, he laughs at everything. He’s like a ray of sunshine.

Brandi Lewis (18:47)
Yeah.

Yeah

Yeah, and he’s so cute too.

Yeah,

he really does. That’s cute.

Courtney Page (19:10)
So yeah, but it’s been

awesome. It’s been very good.

Brandi Lewis (19:15)
I love that. like that, you know, you did cover that first year is not perfect of motherhood. There are things you’re trying to understand about yourself. Get your own emotions in check while also caring for a child of your

Courtney Page (19:31)
while trying to remain, like keep that intimacy between you and your husband. That’s also like very different too, or just like trying to figure out ways to spend time with each other, which is usually after bedtime or either really early in the morning, right? ⁓

Brandi Lewis (19:36)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (19:53)
So after he goes to sleep, we try to like watch a show, but you know, both of us, just quit. Yeah, just we’re out. Like, but yeah. Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (19:58)
Yeah, you fall asleep on the couch already now. But the effort’s there and I think that’s good. Yeah.

Yeah, that is very important too. Cause you still have your own relationship ⁓ that you want to keep strong as well. ⁓ Would you say that, cause you did speak to your anxiety and

Courtney Page (20:11)
Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (20:24)
going back to the ways of being like, no, I’m fine. Was it easier for you to recognize that? Yeah. Were you able? Yeah. Yeah. Tell me more about that.

Courtney Page (20:31)
yeah. Yeah. And then,

and ⁓ Alex will call me out too. Like if I’m like, no, I’m good. I’m fine. I’ll figure it out. He’s like, like, he like won’t let me go back to that or sit in it, which is very good that he recognizes it too. So he’ll be like, no, tell me what, like, what are you thinking? What’s on your mind? Get it out because you’re not going to retreat and go back to that because

Brandi Lewis (20:41)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (20:58)
We have someone else that we’re thinking of now who does not need to mimic what I’m doing, right? So I need to nip that in the bud now so that way he doesn’t see that that’s the normal, right? Like that’s, and that’s not what we want. So ⁓ anyway, so that’s, that’s good that he recognizes it because sometimes I can just say, I’m good. And not even realize that I say that just because I don’t want.

Brandi Lewis (21:02)
Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (21:27)
anybody to worry or because I don’t, I’m like, I can do it when really I need help. Right. So that’s another thing that I’m learning is as a mom and you know, people say it takes a village. Like it, like you need help and, and you and Ashley both, but you know, I’m just going to speak to you. But when we’ve been back at mom and daddy’s house, like you were like, let me help you.

Brandi Lewis (21:33)
Yeah.

It does, yeah.

Yep.

Courtney Page (21:55)
Let me

grab this. me, and you just, you just step in, right? And you don’t even ask how you can help. And I just let you because I’m like, let someone help you. Like you, you, and that’s one thing that I’m learning too

Brandi Lewis (21:58)
Yeah.

if you practice it now, it’ll be better because he is so young. Now it sounds like where you are as a mom is you’re learning how to care for your child, but also how to let that village be your village.

Courtney Page (22:12)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (22:28)
which I think is great. ⁓ And I do think it’s also beautiful that you also recognize, okay, yeah, I may be saying I’m fine and I’m not, but I think recognizing that, I think is huge. You know, it’s not like the first time where you were just dealing with it and reverting, but, and then you also have somebody to hold you accountable to. Yeah.

Courtney Page (22:29)
Yeah.

Mm hmm. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. That’s the

biggest thing is like I have a lot of accountability partners, you know, like not just Alex, but you, Ashley, mom and dad, y’all all hold me accountable. well, yeah, he’s my biggest one because I don’t want him to mimic what I’ve done. So like he’s the one where I’m like, okay, let me not…

Brandi Lewis (22:56)
Yeah.

Yeah. Sterling, honestly. Exactly.

And.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (23:18)
let out that part of me and it’s okay. Some, and I say this like, some anxiousness, some anxiety is okay. That just means you really care, right? Because you wanna do well, but where I was, you don’t wanna, that was not a healthy anxiety, right? That was just a me trying to take care of things on my own because I did not wanna ask for help because I felt like other people were busy and I didn’t want anybody to,

Brandi Lewis (23:27)
Mm hmm. That’s true. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (23:48)
I didn’t want to be a burden, right, to anyone. didn’t want anyone to feel like they had to help me, which a lot of people don’t feel like they have to. They do it because they love you because they want to. Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (23:51)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

To anybody that’s in their first year of motherhood, what advice would you give them?

Courtney Page (24:09)
I would say We kind of, we didn’t plan this, but it happened. And I’m so thankful for it. But when you, Ashley and mom and daddy came down and we like cleaned the house, we nested, right? We got everything ready. It was kind of like a nesting weekend, like a nesting party. Everyone should do a nesting party.

Brandi Lewis (24:30)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (24:36)
do a nesting weekend where like you wash the baby’s bottles or steam the baby’s bottles, right, to clean them. You get the nursery ready, you get your cart ready, you get everything ready before you come home after delivering your baby. I feel like that was brilliant. Like we were so ready. All the caddies were ready.

Brandi Lewis (24:59)
Yeah, you had everything you needed to.

Courtney Page (25:01)
Yeah,

like the refrigerator was cleaned out. You know, the pantry was cleaned out. I just feel like everything was organized. We had everything we needed. And if we didn’t, then we took care of it like that week following or the weekend following, right? So ⁓ everyone should do that.

Brandi Lewis (25:08)
Yeah.

Yeah.

How did that nesting phase

make you feel like as a mom? Like why do you recommend it?

Courtney Page (25:24)
Oh, it was like,

because it actually lets you know, okay, this is coming, like this is happening. Like, like it also prepares your mind to be a mom and to, you know, and I don’t think it really hit Alex until after he came home, but Alex was like, oh, we got a lot of stuff. I was like, he didn’t realize what all it.

Brandi Lewis (25:31)
Hmmmm

Yeah.

what

was going on.

Courtney Page (25:51)
Yeah,

but then when Sterling came home he was like, and if you know Alex, he was like, but Sterling came home and he was like, my gosh, we have this, we have that. Like everything was organized in his closet. Yes, he got it. But we got, like in my mind I got it before, but Alex, he got it like after, which you know, that’s okay. Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (25:58)
Yeah.

Yeah, he got it. He understood why.

Yeah.

What should I say? mean,

they say men don’t become fathers or realize really the importance of when they are father until they actually see the baby being born. And for you, you’re carrying the child. So that does make sense. Yeah.

Courtney Page (26:30)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, right.

And so doing that, the nesting, that nesting weekend, it helped, like, just prepare my mind. ⁓ Just allowed me to be like, okay, I’m about to be a mom, like, which was…

Brandi Lewis (26:40)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Courtney Page (26:54)
I mean, I could cry right now just because you think back to where I was. Yeah. And how I had a doctor speak those words over me and I, you know, me and the power of words that is like for him to say, it’s probably not going to happen. Like, what? So that’s ringing in the back of your mind. So to just, you know.

Brandi Lewis (26:58)
where you are in 2022. Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (27:22)
for it to be here, for him to be here, that’s just, that’s a blessing more than…

Brandi Lewis (27:27)
And to

be who he is and have the personality he has already, I think it’s very cool too. Yeah. To kind of just see, see it all come into fruition. I mean, we’ve been watching, of course, behind the scenes and seeing everything, but just to be an aunt and a sister watching it all happen, it is pretty awesome to see how it came to fruition, but God’s timing.

Courtney Page (27:32)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (27:56)
is much better than our timing. And I think through your story, you can definitely see that that waiting season can be hard. all are in a waiting season in some area of our lives. So we all understand the waiting season, but to actually see something that you’ve prayed for and wanted and desired and something you wanted as a child. Like as kids, we watched, we grew up on Disney.

Courtney Page (27:56)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

ooh yeah yeah

Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (28:25)
Okay. So we watched and they lived happily ever after. And we watched them have kids. Like we watched that and that was really our childhood to having babies, cabbage patch dolls, like all those babies. And now to see you actually have a child that is already calling you mama at one year old already says it. It’s really awesome to see too, as your sister, to see that come to fruition. Yeah.

Courtney Page (28:26)
Mm hmm. Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

And in the season of waiting, I remember just continuously asking to find, for God to just give me joy in this season. Like, give me joy, give me joy. And then I ended up delivering joy, right? Like, he is so joyful. He is the most joyful boy that I, I mean, every day.

Brandi Lewis (29:04)
Yeah. ⁓

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (29:21)
He

wakes up laughing and happy. He is. He is very silly.

Brandi Lewis (29:24)
He’s so silly. He is so silly. It’s funny.

Like he’s only one years old, one year old, which I think is, you not a people, don’t think about how much their personality develops then, but for him, he has a pretty funny personality to just be one. Yeah.

Courtney Page (29:44)
Yeah, yeah,

he’s also very smart, very smart and very observant too for a one-year-old. Like he will, he’s gonna look around and observe everything around him. But yeah.

Brandi Lewis (29:49)
Yeah.

Yeah.

That’s awesome.

So talk to us about ⁓ mom guilt, because mothers do experience this. And from what I know, mom guilt is where you’re away from your child or you feel like you’re not able to do for your child because you need to take some time for yourself maybe in that guilty feeling that you have as a mom. ⁓

Courtney Page (30:23)
Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (30:24)
speak to mom guilt from your perspective and if that’s anything you’ve experienced.

Courtney Page (30:29)
yeah, so…

during maternity and paternity leave where ⁓ mom and dad were still here helping us and they were like, well, y’all go on a date and we’ll watch Sterling. And I was like, wait, but is he going to be okay? You know, like in your mind, you’re like, is he going to be okay? So,

Anyway, we went on the date and I’m just looking at my phone and Alex is like, just put it down. Like he’s okay. You know, like he’s good. He’s safe. He’s, you know, he’s well taken care of. So I would just advise like go on the date, you know, to the mom, go on the date, go get the massage, go get your hair done. Cause you know,

Brandi Lewis (31:01)
Yeah.

Courtney Page (31:20)
I mean, I’m always usually in braids, so it takes hours. And so I usually try to schedule it for when he’s taking a nap. Or I’ll put him down for a nap and then I’ll leave, go get my hair done. And then I’ll come back and, you know, I’ve been gone for maybe an hour and half to two hours after his nap. Right. So I’m like, is he OK? Is he good? Is he eating? Is he…

Brandi Lewis (31:27)
Yeah.

Courtney Page (31:50)
because he’s taking a bottle, but I’m like, he’s fine, he’s with his dad. So it’s just, but you feel guilty because again, you’re like, I’m the only person who really knows what this child needs, right? Or I’m the only person who knows how to take care of this child, but in reality, you gotta lean on the people, your family members, your husband, your wife, whatever, even if you have dad guilt.

Brandi Lewis (31:54)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (32:18)
But you’ve just got to lean on sisters, aunts, uncles. You’ve got to lean on your village. Because you do have to do things for yourself. You’ve got to have… Because if you aren’t sleeping or taking care of yourself, you will not be able to adequately care for a child. Like at all. ⁓ Because then you’ll start being delusional or you know, things just start happening. So you have to have a little bit of that mom guilt, but then realize like…

Brandi Lewis (32:25)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (32:49)
They’re okay. If something, if they need you or if something’s going on, they’ll call you. Right? Or they’ll text you. But other than that, you’re fine. ⁓ Like I went to the movies to see Wicked with my good girlfriends and I started looking at my phone and I was like, hey, during the movie, hey, he needs to take a nap. Make sure he has a snack. And I just kept getting the thumbs up text back from Alex. He was like, all right, I got it.

Brandi Lewis (32:53)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (33:18)
I know what I’m doing. You know,

I was like, okay, I’m sorry. I was like, I’ll leave you alone. Like you got it. Like you, he’s back. But yeah, it’s just like, you know, everybody knows what they’re doing, but you just want to make sure to say it like one more time. But you feel guilty for going to do something like with your friends or just simply like going to see a movie or, know, because you feel like you should be taking care of this child all the time. Right. ⁓

Brandi Lewis (33:26)
Yeah.

Courtney Page (33:48)
And since now I stay home with him, which is awesome, which is such a blessing, ⁓ I do need that time, right? I need a couple hours to myself to be able to go with friends and eat dinner or see a movie or whatever, or just be by myself and go to the grocery store, right? So, ⁓ so guilt’s gonna happen, but…

Brandi Lewis (34:01)
Yeah.

Courtney Page (34:15)
It’s a good reset for you, just for your brain to just take a moment and rest and then go back because your baby’s always going to be there.

Brandi Lewis (34:23)
Yeah.

What’s one of the biggest lessons you’d say you’ve learned in the last year?

Courtney Page (34:32)
Hmm.

Well at first, I guess like the first six months sleep when your baby’s sleeping because I would try to like clean up.

Brandi Lewis (34:45)
Yeah, I remember that. I was like, she needs to sleep.

Courtney Page (34:47)
Yeah. Sit down.

Go to bed. Okay?

Brandi Lewis (34:56)
I remember that

you’re like, no, I’m going to clean. I was like, how is she going to do this? She needs sleep.

Courtney Page (35:01)
No,

Girl, go to bed. Okay? I’m telling you now, girl, go to bed. Don’t. Don’t.

Brandi Lewis (35:07)
If

somebody needs you to text them that, you’ll do it. Girl, go to bed.

Courtney Page (35:12)
Yeah, girl, go to bed. Okay,

I want you to put this on your phone. All right, girl, go to bed. Don’t, don’t, that dish will be washed. Go get a paper plate, but get the dish, okay? Go, yeah, go get a plastic fork. Go, no one, don’t wash those dishes, okay? Put them in the dishwasher, throw them in there. They don’t even have to be organized. Who cares, okay? Go to bed.

Brandi Lewis (35:19)
Yeah. Get a plastic for it. Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah, get that

sleep in there.

Courtney Page (35:41)
Girl, go

to bed. Okay. When that baby goes down, you go down. Alright? You both need to go down. You both go down for the sleep. For the nap. Okay? Whatever.

Brandi Lewis (35:50)
You both go down. Well, at least you

learned it. But I remember you saying, perfect, when he goes to sleep, I’m going to clean the house. I’m going to get stuff done. I was like, there she is not going to survive this. She mentally needs to rest. Yeah.

Courtney Page (36:05)
No, I’m not.

Yeah,

and I tried to do that and then I was like, bro, what am I doing? Like, my, I was so tired. Like, I remember finding, I can’t remember exactly what it was, but it was something that did not belong in the refrigerator. And it belonged like in the pantry and it was in the refrigerator. I was like, you need to go to sleep. That was it. That was when I said, we’re not doing this. Go to bed.

Brandi Lewis (36:15)
You

Yeah, yeah, let me cut it out. No more, no more of this.

Courtney Page (36:39)
Yeah. Yeah. The… yeah.

Brandi Lewis (36:42)
I think that’s good advice though, because it’s true. It’s, I guess you think you’re superwoman maybe? I don’t know. You tell me. I’m just guessing.

Courtney Page (36:49)
I guess because

like before the baby, the house was always so clean. There wasn’t stuff. Like there’s just stuff everywhere. ⁓ You’ve got a bottle or you’ve got, I don’t know, pumping supplies. that’s what I was like, I’m going to wash my pumping supplies. Like, no, it’s fine. Hold the baby and wash the pumping supplies when the baby wakes up. You’ll be fine. I just…

Brandi Lewis (36:55)
Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah. Yeah.

Courtney Page (37:17)
I don’t know. And then I guess like in the back of your mind too, you’re like, I want my house to be clean. I’m here all day. The house needs to be cleaned for my husband for when he gets home. Like you just think of that too, because you’re like, but you’re taking care of a child. You know, like you, you have it the most important job, which is keeping a human alive and taking care of this child. Forget the house, right? It will clean itself. And

Brandi Lewis (37:30)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (37:47)
I also ⁓ shout out to our sweet, well, anyway, sweet cleaning lady. She doesn’t always clean the house, but if we need her to, she will be here in the heartbeat, right? ⁓ So if it requires you to maybe get someone like a cleaning lady, or hire a cleaning service.

to just come clean the house maybe once if you are able to do so. Just like one time, you know, while you’re in, when they’re in those six months or, you know, or two times while you’re in within those six months or even just ask your parents and ask friends and ask your village, ask your sisters or brothers, just text someone and say, hey, can you just come tidy up for me? I’m really exhausted. Like I need to go to sleep.

Brandi Lewis (38:19)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (38:37)
Like, I just need someone to come clean or come pick up, right? So yeah, just even doing that. And then… So that would be the first six months. The next six months… I feel like there’s a couple of things, but one thing is,

Don’t feel like you have to sleep train your child. Like it’s okay to get up in the middle of the night and go console your baby. Cause they need you. They need you, right? They need that touch. They’re new to this world. Okay. They hear noises outside. They hear noises in the house. They hear, I mean, they’re cold, right? They’re just, they’re new to the earth, right? They’re new to the world. Can you imagine like,

Brandi Lewis (39:04)
Mm, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (39:26)
you as an adult and like just coming into this this world and just think about where you are now. Yeah, I mean, I’m afraid of everything now, right? But like, just think about if we were just once protected, we were in this little womb and then now we’re here. We’re like, whoa, bright lights. Don’t it’s okay. You don’t have to sleep training your bed. I because then

Brandi Lewis (39:32)
You’re afraid of everything. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (39:54)
they’re going to be adults one day and then you’re going to be like, oh, I wish I would have held them that one time, you know? So I think of that a lot. I’m like, just get up, get up in the middle of the night. You’ll sleep later, you know? Like I say that, but I’m like the first six months sleep, but now I’m like, you get more sleep, but you know, just it’s okay to get up and consult them for 30 minutes, you know? They’re new, right? So there’s that. And then obviously continuing to lean on your

Brandi Lewis (39:59)
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (40:24)
your village but ⁓ go do things for yourself. Go get your hair done, go get your nails done, go get a pedicure, go get a massage, hang out with sisters, take that weekend trip with a girls trip, go do that. ⁓ Because you owe it to yourself to just have a little reset. ⁓ So that would be my advice.

Brandi Lewis (40:32)
Yeah.

Thank you.

Have you ever thought about

how you want to show up as a mom when Sterling and his siblings get older? Like what kind of mom do you want to be to him? We’ll talk about just him since he’s here.

Courtney Page (41:05)
I wanna be at every event. I wanna have the ⁓ occupation to where I can be like, hey, my son’s in this play or my son has a performance or my son’s…

has a game out of town or whatever, like I’m gone, right? I’m gonna show up because I think showing up is important, right? Like if you can be there, do it. Children need constants in their life. They need consistency. Show up. So I just wanna be the type of parent that shows up and is consistent. And if I’m able to do so, I’m gonna do it.

Brandi Lewis (41:26)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (41:50)
But I really would love to be there at school, decorating his football, basketball, whatever sport he plays, right? Because he’s going to be an athlete. But whatever he does, I do want to be there to decorate the locker room. want to be that senior mom whenever at the pep rally where you’re learning the dance and you dance with your little… Yeah, I want to do that.

Brandi Lewis (42:01)
Yeah.

Yeah!

Courtney Page (42:20)
Right? Mama did that. And so I wanna, I wanna do that. I wanna make those memories. So I wanna show up.

Brandi Lewis (42:22)
Mm-hmm.

That’s awesome. What would you take from how mom and daddy showed up for us, you know, from our childhood? Like what’s one parental lesson you think you’ll take from that and apply to your family? ⁓

Courtney Page (42:47)
I will tell you, because like I said in part one, if you know me, I’m the baby. Okay, I’m the true baby. I was known for leaving things at the house, okay? I left my lunch every day, I left my cheer bag, I left my track bag, I left everything, okay? What we’re not gonna do is take that stuff up to the school. You left it, I’m sorry.

Brandi Lewis (42:52)
Yeah.

too much. Let’s just, let’s, I love the honesty.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh,

Courtney, you’re the only one out of the three of us that called the most to get it taken up to the school.

Courtney Page (43:24)
And my dad would bring it every time. I can’t do that. I can’t do that. We gotta learn. He has got to learn to take your pack your stuff at night.

Brandi Lewis (43:27)
every time.

Now you sound like mom and dad.

Courtney Page (43:40)
Yes, why

didn’t I do that? Someone should have, I needed to whip it, because I didn’t pay.

Brandi Lewis (43:45)
You were the only

one. But you would leave the little details out, like the ribbon. And my mom was like, just take all the ribbons in the bag.

Courtney Page (43:51)
Just, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why didn’t I just

put them all in the bag? Why didn’t I just put them all in the bag?

Brandi Lewis (44:02)
You would have saved yourself, so.

Courtney Page (44:03)
saves

so much heartache, right? I blame it on anxiety. Anyways. But, ⁓ no, what I really, what I will take is… I mean they always showed up.

Brandi Lewis (44:06)
Yeah.

Yeah, they did. That’s what made me think about that.

Courtney Page (44:22)
I don’t know how they did it.

Brandi Lewis (44:25)
I mean, they were both full-time jobs too. I don’t either.

Courtney Page (44:29)
I don’t know how they did it between the three of us. Basketball, soccer, track, cheer.

Brandi Lewis (44:33)
We

were very involved, yeah.

Courtney Page (44:36)
I mean we had stuff every day. But they were there. So like that’s why I say show up because our parents have been there for us. Everything. Like through everything.

Brandi Lewis (44:38)
Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. And the memories that you create,

like for me, soccer, like playing soccer, I can hear my dad yelling from the stands, like, you know, like you, you know who’s there. Yeah.

Courtney Page (45:02)
And I wasn’t sitting up there with them because they were yelling too much. But,

but yeah, that, mean, but they were there right after work. And if they weren’t like on time, they were pulling in on two wheels, like to make sure they were there. ⁓ so yeah, showing up.

Brandi Lewis (45:11)
They were there. Yep.

Yeah. Yeah.

Courtney Page (45:26)
Going to church, like making sure we were plugged into like youth group at church, but making sure that the church, not just this, like not just making sure we were at church, but making sure we were hearing the word and making sure we were actually like understanding the word and making sure we were plugged in to youth, right? Like, and making sure that we weren’t just like,

Brandi Lewis (45:27)
Yeah.

Yeah.

you

Courtney Page (45:55)
going to church, right? They didn’t want us to just go just because, you know, we would check off a box, but we would go and we would actually like retain something, right? So I, and then making sure that we were comfortable with the church that we were at, right? Like, hey, are you learning? Is it, is it going well? You know, like making sure we were involved. Um, and that’s what I, they, our parents listened and our parents,

Brandi Lewis (45:56)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (46:25)
wanted us to talk, right? Like if there was stuff that was going on at church, they wanted to know, or even at school, like if something was happening, they just wanted to know. ⁓ And if you know our mom, you know our mom wants a solution. So if something is going on, she wants to know and she wants to reach

Brandi Lewis (46:28)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (46:55)
conclusion, right? So ⁓

Brandi Lewis (46:57)
They were big on

protecting us as adults, because they knew we didn’t know life at our age. We didn’t know all what life could do people. So they were really good about being the adults that believed what we said when we said it and stuck up for us. So yes, I do like that.

Courtney Page (47:06)
Right.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, stuck up for us, but they also were not afraid to if we were in the wrong. Another thing that I liked is they were going to tell us we were wrong. Like they weren’t going to take our side. I mean, and it was always I’m going to take the adult side until I figure out if you were, you know, like so and that’s what I appreciate too. So that’s also another thing is like I’ll listen.

Brandi Lewis (47:32)
Yeah. yeah. Yeah.

No, no.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (47:50)
to Sterling as he talks, right? And we’ll try to reach a conclusion, but if he’s wrong, I wanna be able to like articulate that in a very nice tone, right? Like our parents are like, you were in the wrong. No, we’re not gonna do that again, right? ⁓ But if you were right, then like, you’re right, but let’s figure out how we can solve this problem. Let’s figure out like what we can do to make it better. So, yeah.

Brandi Lewis (47:59)
Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, the right way

to solve problems. Yeah, they were really good about that.

Courtney Page (48:19)
Yes, right way

to solve problems, also like keeping us in church, plugged in and showing up.

Brandi Lewis (48:28)
I like that.

what encouragement do you want to leave the listeners about resilience, family and growth? Like what encouragement would you like for them to know? This is coming from part one and part two, just kind of putting it all together. So I think now we’ve talked a lot about just your life overall and how…

like anxiety and things started when you were younger, but how you recognize it now, you’ve been able to grow through that and have a beautiful family, a beautiful life. So what encouragement would you give somebody that, let’s say, feels stuck right now ⁓ and can’t move past some of those emotions they may be feeling?

Courtney Page (49:06)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I’ll I’ll touch on growth first. ⁓ Realizing that you’ve grown. ⁓ You have to realize that first. You’ve got to you can’t be so hard on yourself about the small thing, right? ⁓ And I was I don’t know where I heard this, but I just keep saying I say to myself during prayer time like

We may not like exactly where we are, but we’re not where we used to be. Right? So like, that’s growth in itself. Okay? So like, it may not look pretty right now, but think about where we were. Right? Think about where you were.

Brandi Lewis (49:55)
Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Mm-hmm.

Courtney Page (50:10)
and go from that and just be like, okay, wait, so I’m not there anymore, but I’m at this point and let me find the joy and find the beauty in this point right here, right? And let’s build on that because then tomorrow you’re not gonna be where you were yesterday. So just keep building on that and keep growing from that day from before.

Brandi Lewis (50:20)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (50:35)
So from growth, that’s kind of how I view my growth is like, okay, I may not have liked where I was in high school or college, whether that be academically, socially, whatever, mentally, ⁓ but I like where I am now, right? Getting a master’s or…

Brandi Lewis (50:58)
Mm-mm.

Courtney Page (51:01)
going to get another degree or even socially, having more friends or even mentally, ⁓ having more clarity, being able to vocalize your wants and needs more. So that’s where I think the growth aspect is. ⁓ With resilience, ⁓ you’ve got to…

Brandi Lewis (51:08)
Yeah.

Courtney Page (51:28)
really pick and choose because people will do to you and say to you what you allow and what you want to absorb if that makes sense. So if I allowed the doctor who spoke those words over me

Brandi Lewis (51:38)
Yeah.

Yep.

Courtney Page (51:47)
to have power, to have control, I wouldn’t be where I am today either. Right? I had to, yeah, in that moment, that sucked. Realize it, process it, feel it, but don’t allow that to have power in your life. Be resilient from that. ⁓

Brandi Lewis (51:50)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Courtney Page (52:11)
If someone speaks some words over you as a mom of a two-year-old, a three-year-old, five-year-old, 16-year-old, whatever, one-year-old, you can’t, don’t allow that to hold weight because those words don’t matter, right? So like, how can you be resilient from things that have been spoken to you even probably as a child, right? From a parent or from a teacher or from a guardian, whatever the case may be.

Brandi Lewis (52:23)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (52:42)
That’s not who you are. You are who God says you are. Not who man says you are. yeah, so if I wasn’t resilient that day or that week, I wouldn’t be where I am. So I guess that kind of goes into growth too. And family-wise, I feel…

Brandi Lewis (52:56)
Mm-hmm.

Courtney Page (53:07)
not just like through having Sterling or watching my husband be a dad, ⁓ but even like my parents and my sisters. I feel like I’ve grown so much closer to y’all in the sense of.

me changing from being the youngest to like being a mom now, right? Like there’s been growth in that, but also we’ve grown closer in y’all seeing, she needs help or we’ve just grown closer in the sense of like just laughing over.

Brandi Lewis (53:28)
Yeah.

Courtney Page (53:45)
things that Sterling does and then it creates memories. So we’ve just been creating more memories and I feel like we’ve grown, we’ve all been close, right? But it’s just another way for us to continue to get closer. ⁓ So family wise, just feel like bonds are so much stronger and I feel like I’m.

Brandi Lewis (53:48)
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Courtney Page (54:08)
Anybody who knows me knows I love to go, go, go. Right? And I’ve always done that my entire life. But I think lately just I’ve been in this season of slowing down. Right? And I’ve, it’s been so nice.

Brandi Lewis (54:19)
Yeah.

Yeah, I can see the change in you for sure.

Courtney Page (54:25)
It’s been so nice to just slow down to really be present and be present with my sisters, be present with my parents, be present with my husband, with Sterling, and just not feel like I have to go all the time. I’m like, Sterling’s got to take a nap. We’re let him take a nap. We’re going to go watch a movie. Like we do that for, you know, and just, I don’t have to go outside. Right?

Brandi Lewis (54:29)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Courtney Page (54:56)
and by outside, mean, we got to go out. We don’t need to go to a movie. We don’t need to go spend money. We don’t need to, you know, just finding the simple things in life of like, just simply being with your family and resting with your family. doing game night, you know, just making memories as adults because life has always been so busy. Once you get to college and then you try to establish a job and

Brandi Lewis (55:08)
Yeah. Yeah.

Courtney Page (55:26)
You know, all this other stuff, but life can get busy, but when you get older, you’ll realize like the real important things are your family. So it kind of takes you back to your childhood. So yeah, this season of slowing down has been so beautiful and restful. Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (55:38)
Yeah, I think those are all great.

Yeah.

Yeah, and needed for sure. Yeah. We all need

a season where we’re slow and resting. Yeah. And taking that time for us. I think those are all great. I really love the resilience too of

Courtney Page (55:54)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (56:03)
not letting someone’s words really hold weight in your life. Yeah, I think that’s beautiful. Because like you said, there’s no telling where you would be today if you really took hold of what that one doctor told you that was not true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It’s the same thing. Yeah.

Courtney Page (56:14)
Mm-hmm.

I mean, it’s yeah. And it’s like even you, like your diagnosis. If you listen to the doctors

that told you stuff and things that we heard doctors tell you, you wouldn’t be, I mean, if you allowed that to hold weight, that you wouldn’t be doing this podcast and people wouldn’t be listening. So.

Brandi Lewis (56:29)
Yeah.

Yeah.

It’s true.

It’s true. Yeah. Having that resilience. Yeah.

Awesome. Well, thank you, Courtney. I do like that we were able to really speak on motherhood and what people go through because you just don’t really hear that a lot. ⁓ And it’s healing in someone else, another mother that may be listening to this podcast episode right now that

feels alone in it and you know now they feel less alone because they know that they’re not the only one that has dealt with this so thank you for sharing that. ⁓

Courtney Page (57:07)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you’re welcome. And you’re not alone. But don’t forget,

go to bed.

Brandi Lewis (57:18)
Please go to bed for all of this.

Courtney Page (57:19)
You

gotta bit. Don’t clean the house. Don’t clean the dish. ⁓

Brandi Lewis (57:23)
Don’t clean the house.

Go to bed.

Courtney Page (57:28)
Okay,

Brandi Lewis (57:30)
All right, see you all later.