Brandi Lewis (00:46)
Okay.

Nice, nice. Well fingers crossed because I did

get some great feedback. We talked before this episode but I do want everybody listening to hear as well that I got great feedback from Letitia’s episode before. It’s just really good to talk about those traumas and things and I think it’s really great to hear from someone like you that specializes in this. So I’m excited to.

to come back to this episode now. So here we are, we’re gonna talk and actually answer your questions. So I got some questions from different listeners that wanted to get answers from Letitia. So we’re gonna go through it topic by topic. Thank you everybody that sent in questions. think.

⁓ This will be a really good episode as well just to hear ⁓ and get answers to some of those questions and things you thought about from the past episode as well. So we’ll go ahead and get started. Is there anything you want to start with Latisha before we start with the questions?

Letisha Harris (01:48)
⁓ Well, the only thing I want to say is I appreciate all of the questions. Brandy sent them to me prior to us getting together today. And there’s so many great questions and so many questions that have really profound ⁓ examinations of our own selves. And I think the only way for us to move forward is really to examine ourselves and see where we’re coming from and what level and space we’re at so that we can move forward. So I appreciate all of these questions. And I was looking through them and I was like,

⁓ like I really have to dig deep into myself as well to kind of answer some of these questions because some of them you can go to like a very simple or basic answer, right? But when you dig really deep and you really look at the questions, sometimes it is a simpler answer, right? But how can you, you know, ingrain that in yourself? And so I really appreciated the questions. were very, they’re very profound and very

you can tell people are really examining who they are and where they’re at in their life. And so that’s great.

Brandi Lewis (02:54)
Awesome. Yeah, I think that’s a great place to start. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so we’re going to start with the first topic we’re going to touch on is, which we talked about in the past episode, is anxiety and stress management. So the first question from a listener, and of course these are anonymous, but the first question is, how do I calm my mind when it feels like everything is spiraling at once? So I’m guessing that goes towards the anxiety side.

Letisha Harris (03:04)
Mm-hmm.

Yep. So the biggest thing about calming your mind is to remember that all your thoughts are swirl, they’re always going to be swirling in your head. The longer they stay there, the more they swirl. So getting thoughts out of your head helps to clear them. One, because it helps to box them off into different spaces and categories. And two, because it clears your mind so that you can input information that is strategy based or solution based. When you are so crowded in your mind with

the problems or the issues or the concerns or the worries or the whatever. And as women, by nature are very concerned and worried. ⁓ And that’s not to say that somehow women are a lot more anxiety than men. But women typically are carrying a lot more of a load emotionally and mentally. And so they carry a lot more of the struggles of things going on in the world and in their families and in their ⁓

their own selves, right? And so they carry a lot more things. And so those things are a lot easier to swirl. And so when you take those things out of your mind and you write them out, or you, tell people sometimes, sing them out, write them out, create a poem, write a rap, write a short story, whatever it is, but get those thoughts out of your head so that they can be on paper and you can visually input them, right? So if they’re all in your head, they’re swirling around and they’re not able to

you’re not able to have an end or complete one thought, right? Because they’re all merging together and swirling together, right? You go from thinking about your kids to then thinking about your job, then you’re thinking about your parents’ aging, then you’re thinking about this, then you’re thinking about that, right? Like you’re thinking about all of these things at one time. And when you take them out of your head and you write those thoughts down, you can categorize those thoughts. And then the thoughts that are focused on your family, you begin to…

knock down those thoughts, right? Because then you’re inputting them, right? So you’ve output them onto the paper, and now you get to choose which ones you’re going to input and focus on. And so when you’re inputting information, just like if you’re reading a paper, right? You input that information on that paper, right? You’re putting that into your brain. So then you can function and navigate what that information is and how it is being processed, right? Then you can really zero in on what those thoughts are.

and what the things are that are really pressing and really important as opposed to thinking that everything is important, right? Making a dentist appointment is not as important necessarily as something you might have to do, something else you might have to do, right? But when it’s swirling with everything else, it becomes a very stressing thing, right? I have to make a dentist appointment, right? But you can put a dentist appointment off for weeks, right? It’s not something that is pressing.

But when it is swirling with all of the other thoughts, it seems like a very pressing thought. So you have to get those thoughts that, all of those thoughts in your head out. And then you can input the ones that are important and you can categorize them and really put them back in by base of importance.

Brandi Lewis (06:35)
Wow.

That is such a good way to think about it, because I know people that deal with anxiety and stress and it’s like, kind of like their brain isn’t organized. It’s just, like you said, everything is inputted into their mind. And I think that’s such a good way to explain it of taking everything out, everything’s an output, now input what you know is the most critical, if that’s what I’m getting from it. What’s the most important from it? Taking all of that in, dealing with that.

Letisha Harris (06:46)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (07:06)
Okay, then go back to your output put something else into your brain that you need to deal with because like I said I think with people that battle anxiety just from what I’ve seen outside looking in it’s just everything just feels so like an organized in their mind and then it looks so organized in their daily life and their habits

Letisha Harris (07:09)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Brandi Lewis (07:28)
that’s such a great way. I really hope that helps anybody or whoever, even not just the person that submit this question, but anybody out there that’s battling anxiety. ⁓ Like we talked about in the last episode, it’s just such an important topic right now. And a lot of people are battling anxiety. So that’s a great way to put it. I love that.

Letisha Harris (07:30)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (07:52)
All right, we’re going to jump to the second question on this topic. It is, can I manage anxiety when I feel pressure from work or family expectations? That’s a good question.

Letisha Harris (08:05)
So when

I read this question, the first thing I thought about is really narrowing down and zeroing in on what those expectations are. So are the work expectations, are they expectations you’ve put on yourself, or are they expectations from the job requirements that you have been provided from your job work? So every job has job duties or job requirements or whatever it is based on whatever the job is. And are you meeting those expectations?

Brandi Lewis (08:33)
you

Letisha Harris (08:35)
Or are you trying to overextend and meet expectations that are not necessarily within that job duties? And if you’re trying to meet those expectations, then you’re going to feel overwhelmed because those are expectations that have been placed on top of the requirements or the expectations that you have already stated that you can handle. And then when you think about family expectations, are these expectations that your family have put on you that you’re trying to meet?

or these expectations that you have created that maybe may not necessarily be expectations from the family, but now you have this requirement because you’ve put these expectations on you. And oftentimes we overextend ourselves in things, right? So if you organize a family gathering one year, right? And then the next year the family’s like, hey, can you organize the family gathering? But you don’t have the capacity.

Right? So now the family has an expectation of you to do that consistently. Right? And so now you’re feeling overwhelmed with having to do that. Right? But that’s not something that makes you or breaks you as part of that family. Right? This is just an expectation that has been placed on you. So what are those expectations? And how do you get rid of meeting them? You don’t have to meet every expectation that’s provided for you.

you figure out what expectations are yours. What expectations are you in the capacity to meet, right? I can go to a job interview and say that I am qualified to do the job and all of those things, right? And go walk up in there and tell them I’m qualified to do this job. I have these, you know, qualifications that meet this job. But if I can’t meet the expectations of that job, I’m going to be overwhelmed, right? And I’m going to be going to that job thinking I can do this, but

I don’t have the capacity to do it because I don’t really know what I’m doing, right? And so when you take the expectations of other people off of you and you replace them with your goals, right? Take expectation out completely. Just what are the goals that you have for your work? What are the goals that you personally have for your family? And how are you meeting those goals?

Because if you have goals personally for work and for your family, right, showing up on time, doing the work to the best of your ability, managing, you know, if you have a team, being able to manage your team successfully or whatever it looks like for work, right? If you have the goals, you already have those goals and you’re meeting those goals, then expectations are things that you’re putting on top of you.

If your family is healthy, your family is whole, if you’re manager of the family, moms typically are managers of the family, dad typically is provider of the family, that’s just typical. Not always for every family, but typical. If that’s the expectation, are you meeting these goals? And are these goals outside of goals that you have?

personally met right or personally set for yourself if these goals that or expectations right that you have are outside of your your actual Expectations and goals reset the expectations we get overwhelmed with Expectations because they’re high right when we reset them we set them at a goal that is obtainable Right and even at your lowest is obtainable

And if that’s the place that you’re in where even at your lowest you can obtain it, then you won’t be overwhelmed or have anxiety with your expectations.

Brandi Lewis (12:13)
Yeah, I think that’s so powerful. I always think it’s powerful to set goals. Like you said, ⁓ from a therapist’s perspective, how important is it for your clients to ⁓ know, to set a goal or priority? How important is that for you guys to explain to your clients?

Letisha Harris (12:34)
It’s crucial because goals help you keep moving forward, right? If you don’t have any goals or anything that you want to obtain in life, you don’t have any motivation to do anything. So you have to have some level of goal. And the goal doesn’t have to be extravagant, right? It can be the simplest goal as getting up in the morning, right? Getting up and getting out of the bed is a goal, right? And if you meet it, you you celebrate that. If you don’t meet it, you reset for the next time.

Right? But goals are simple. Goals don’t have to be extravagant. They don’t have to be overextended. They can be the simplest thing. If I made sure that my kids were fed today and that was my goal for the day, I met it. Right? And so being able to set small intentional goals, right? And changing expectation because expectation puts pressure. So change the expectation to a goal.

This is a goal. This is something that I would love to do. This is something I want to meet for my family. This is something that I want to do for work. You set it as a goal. It takes away the pressure of the expectation. Because if somebody expects you to do something and you fail at doing it, you feel bad. But if you set a goal and you don’t meet your goal, you give yourself the opportunity to reset. so expectations oftentimes come from other people. Goals come from you.

So what is your goal, right? And what are their expectations? And are they lining up with each other? And if they’re not, how do you adjust so that your goals and the expectations that maybe you are putting on yourself or your family is putting on you or work is putting on you, how can you line up your goals with those so that they match and meet so that you can have the motivation and feel successful in it and not feel anxiety to meet it?

Brandi Lewis (14:24)
Yeah, wow, I love that. I love switching expectations to goals. I think it does definitely do something to you mentally to know, okay, like you said, if this is a goal, okay, if I don’t meet it when I want to meet it, it’s okay. It’s a goal. That means I still have time to get to where I want to be. Yeah.

Letisha Harris (14:40)
Yep. Yep. Yep.

Brandi Lewis (14:44)
I think that’s beautifully said.

Okay, so we’re going to move on to a different topic. The next topic we’re going to talk about is self-esteem and confidence. And one of our listeners sent in a question and their question is, how can I stop being so critical of myself all the time? And I think this is a question for everybody. I think in the age of social media,

Letisha Harris (15:03)
Yeah. Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (15:07)
You know, it’s so easy to compare yourself and to be so critical of yourself. If you see a picture of yourself online, it’s so easy to zoom in and nitpick yourself. You’re not even looking at anybody else. You’re really just looking at what you look like. So I think this is a great question for everybody, a great answer for everybody to have.

Letisha Harris (15:09)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yep.

Yeah,

I think if we spend our time criticizing what’s wrong, we don’t appreciate what’s right. So when we are so focused on criticizing everything, right? Because we all have flaws, right? Even the prettiest, most beautiful person that you see, even the airbrushed woman that you’re looking at on the Instagram or on whatever it is, right? Even she has flaws, right? And if you really looked at her and really dug in deep, you’d see her flaws, right?

So the thing that I’m saying is that when we think about criticizing ourselves, right, it’s always going to be under the lens of negativity, right? When we are looking for things of improvement, right, we look for places where we can improve, right? Maybe you’re not the way that you’d like to be, right? And if you spend the time criticizing that, I’m so fat, I wish I was so skinny, I wish I looked like her, I wish I looked like this, I wish I wasn’t this, right? You’re spending a lot of time being negative, right?

And that’s bringing down your morale and your motivation to change. So when you think about criticizing, you have to stop criticizing and start creating a space where your flaws are acceptable. Right? My flaws are acceptable to me. Right? I know there are things about me that are not perfect, right? But I accept those because I know that not only am I not perfect, but the world is not.

People in the world are not perfect. People have flaws. People have issues. People have concerns. People have all of these things. You have to be in a place and think about your criticism as challenges, right? So changing that wording, right? Wording is so powerful. And the words that we use to talk about ourselves or to talk about other people or to compare ourselves to other people, Comparison is rooted in the lack of acceptance for ourselves.

Right if I’m comparing myself to somebody else it’s because I there’s somewhere in me that I lack a Comfort or an understanding of who that is right and I haven’t gotten to the full acceptance or full understanding of that person, right? You’re not gonna be in a place that you want to be necessarily at the time that you want to be there, right? So it goes back to like I was saying about goals right criticism

is rooted in expectation, right? It’s rooted in your expectation of something. It’s rooted in your value of yourself, right? Criticism is rooted in both of those things, right? When you have expectations, right? People criticize themselves about various things, right? It could be about where they’re at in life, right? Like, wish I had a home. I wish I had this. I wish I had that. I wish I was farther in my education. I wish I…

you know, was married with kids, whatever it looks like, right? And you’re not that. And so now you are attacking yourself because you haven’t met that expectation. But that is an expectation that you put or someone else put on you, right? And when you drop that and you create it as a challenge, you give yourself an opportunity to embrace that challenge and meet that goal, right? So I embrace the challenge of dropping weight, right? I embrace the challenge of losing weight.

So now what do I need to do to do that? And now you can set up your step-by-step goals to be able to do that. So you have to take criticism off of yourself. Take those expectations off of yourself so that you can stop doing that. And at the end of the day, you just have to stop doing it. You just have to stop doing it. It’s very easy to do because you do it and then other people join in.

makes it even easier, right? Like, oh, I have, you know, I need to lose weight. Yeah, yeah, you probably could lose a couple of pounds, right? It’s like, well, I wasn’t expecting for you to come in and agree with me, right? Like I was expecting for you to say, you’re beautiful, you love yourself, you know, all those things, right? But you have to be that person for yourself. When you look at yourself in the mirror, you have to be able to say to yourself, despite all of the flaws, right? These are all the flaws that I have. Laying them all out.

These are all the flaws that I have. These are all the challenges that I have. These are all the struggles that I’m dealing with, right? Laying them all out and then saying, what steps can I take and what goals can I have to meet the solution or have the solution for these challenges? How can I meet the goals of these challenges? And then start knocking them off one at a time. But you have to take criticism out of your mind.

Brandi Lewis (20:04)
I think that.

Yeah, I think it’s so easy to.

to compare yourself or to look in the mirror and point out every flaw and like you said, do nothing about it and just spend most of that time talking about that fall rather than creating a plan of, this is what I don’t like about myself. This is something that I can change. Whether it’s getting into shape and wanting to build more muscle, whatever it is, lose some weight, whatever it is, you know, creating a plan is

Letisha Harris (20:17)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (20:38)
stops you from wasting the time of just talking about it. It really does. I think that’s great. Yeah.

Letisha Harris (20:40)
Yep. Yep. And give yourself time. Give yourself

time. Stop, you know, stop making everything in, you know, microwave time, right? Like 90 minutes or less. it, life doesn’t work like that. You know, it could be years from now before you meet that goal, right? But as long as you’re motivated to do it, you’ll meet it, right? I mean, I went to school and it took me a long time to get through school, but I finished it.

Brandi Lewis (21:03)
Yeah.

Letisha Harris (21:08)
You know, I had the motivation and I had the goal, right? And there are things in life that happen and challenges and stuff like that that created an extension of that, but I still met that goal. And so time is what you make it, right? It’s not going to be right now, right? But that doesn’t necessarily mean that it will never happen. So we have to take some of that pressure off of ourselves and give ourselves grace. Give yourself grace to meet those goals. Give yourself grace.

Brandi Lewis (21:08)
Yeah.

Letisha Harris (21:38)
to not be perfect. The criticism is rooted in trying to be perfect. Nobody’s perfect.

Brandi Lewis (21:40)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah,

it’s so true. That’s one of mine is perfectionism and just trying to like, I’ll come up with a goal or something. And then I’m like, it’s not ready yet. I don’t want to put it out yet. Like you will never be ready. And that is really what I’ve really learned through just all the failures and stuff of get it very perfect before I put this out to the world. And

Letisha Harris (21:55)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (22:07)
You will just never be ready. If you keep doing that, you will always keep pushing it off, pushing it off, and you’ll never do it. Yeah, I think that’s really great advice. All right, our second question from this topic of self-esteem and confidence is, are ways to rebuild self-confidence after failure or rejection? Ooh, that is a good one. So what are some ways to rebuild that confidence?

Letisha Harris (22:15)
Yeah, very true.

The first step is acknowledging it, right? Acknowledging the failure or the rejection. Acknowledging what it did to you emotionally, right? Because self-confidence is built in your emotions, right? It’s what you see about yourself, how you see yourself, how you view yourself, how you love yourself, right? It’s rooted in your self-esteem. It’s rooted in being able to recognize yourself, right? So you have to meet your emotions in that space, right? So often people get…

Brandi Lewis (22:44)
Hmm.

Letisha Harris (23:04)
rejected or they deal with failure or they get their heart broken and they want to they want it to end quickly right but there is the expectation and understanding that you have to sit in those emotions right for you to heal from emotions you have to recognize them sit in the space that they’re in so that you can move out of them otherwise you’re going to force yourself to move out of them and then they drag along with you because you’re trying to go forward and

Brandi Lewis (23:11)
Yeah.

Mmm.

Letisha Harris (23:33)
those emotions come in, you don’t recognize triggers from them, and they just keep circling and circling and circling and circling and circling. So you never get to ⁓ the level of self-confidence that you had and or will have because you’re focused on trying to navigate those emotions. So the biggest part is to be able to recognize the emotions, recognize your level ⁓ that you’re at, your base level that you’re at.

And then also recognize where your self-confidence was prior to the failure or rejection. What level was your self-confidence at prior to whatever happened, right? Prior to getting your heart broken, prior to having that rejected moment, prior to having that failure that you experienced, right? Because that’s gonna help motivate you and rebuild your self-confidence and your self-esteem and be able to rebuild your…

Level so that you can be in a place where you can receive whatever it is that you lost or that you can Accept that you were rejected or accept that you failed at something right because failure is not the end neither is rejection We will be rejected from many things right some things were rejected from and we don’t even know we were rejected Right some things we failed at and we weren’t even sure that we weren’t even aware that we failed at it, right? Because something else shifted and then it worked out, right?

Brandi Lewis (24:43)
No.

Yeah.

Letisha Harris (24:57)
So the thing about failure and rejection is that if it hits your self-esteem and your self-confidence, you have to really navigate what level was my self-esteem and confidence at? And how can I reset that, right? And what about those failures and those rejections can I look at as an opportunity for me to learn something or for me to grow in something? Or why did that trigger me? Why did it trigger me to a

Brandi Lewis (25:08)
Mm.

Letisha Harris (25:25)
for it to impact me in who I am as my character, right? Why did that thing impact me that way? Why did it trigger me to that point where now I feel like I am a failure or I feel like I’m not worthy? Where did that thing hit me and why did it hit me there? What was my level of self-confidence and self-esteem prior to the failure or rejection?

Brandi Lewis (25:42)
Yeah.

Yeah, because you’re right. mean, we’re all gone and we’ve all experienced some type of rejection. But the way that you take it or the way that it makes you feel…

Letisha Harris (25:58)
Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (26:03)
⁓ if it makes you feel less than, that’s something personal it sounds like and something you need to dig more into yourself to figure out, okay, there’s something there that I don’t like the way this feels. I don’t like, I’m talking to myself now after that rejection. All right, let me dig into that more and figure that out. A follow-up question that I did have was, ⁓

Letisha Harris (26:08)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (26:25)
And I think this is a big question for a lot of people and it’s probably hard to answer, but when you’re sitting in that rejection, when you’re sitting in that, not rejection, excuse me, when you’re sitting in that hard place, like you said, when you go through something, you have to sit within that. And I totally believe that a hundred percent. I think a lot of people try and rush the time.

Letisha Harris (26:46)
Mm-hmm.

Absolutely. Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (26:47)
that they’re sitting in that. So

what would you speak to of how long would you say for someone to really sit into that or how do they know that they’ve really sat in it, healed from it and moved on? Like what are some things that they should be feeling?

Letisha Harris (27:03)
It depends on how intentional they are, right? Because there are people who sit in their emotions and they sit in them for a long time, right? There are people who sit in their emotions and it doesn’t take them long, right? So one is recognizing the emotion first. Recognize what the emotion is, right? If it’s sadness, what is it rooted in? If it’s anger, what is it rooted in, right? Figuring out what it’s rooted in so then you can figure out why you’re triggered by it.

Brandi Lewis (27:10)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Letisha Harris (27:31)
and

then you can begin to heal from it. But if you can’t recognize what it is and why you’re triggered by it, you won’t be able to heal from it. It will just carry on with you and you will drag it along with you in every situation and every ⁓ life challenge or life journey that you go on. It will carry with you. One, because you are seeing everything through that lens. So if the emotion is pain,

Brandi Lewis (27:40)
and

Letisha Harris (27:58)
If you’re feeling pain and you’re feeling hurt or sadness from maybe being rejected or you started a business and the business didn’t go successful. So now you’re feeling failure. And so now you’re hurt by that failure or you’re sad by that failure or you’re embarrassed by that failure. If you don’t sit in that embarrassment and say, yes, it was very embarrassing and yes, I did fail and these are the reasons why I failed.

Brandi Lewis (28:25)
Hmm.

Letisha Harris (28:26)
So

really understanding what the emotion is that you’re sitting in. What are the things that created that emotion, right? What are the things that trigger that emotion? And how can I come out of that? And what things do I need to give myself grace or time to work through? Because otherwise you’re going to be going through the next thing that you do in life through that lens of that thing that hurt, right? You know, people who get into a car accident and they don’t get back in the car ever, right?

Brandi Lewis (28:54)
Yeah.

Letisha Harris (28:54)
And every

Brandi Lewis (28:55)
Yeah.

Letisha Harris (28:55)
time, or if they do get in the car, every time they get in the car, they’re bracing for an accident to happen, right? That’s a person who’s never sat in that emotion, never understood the trigger from it, and never healed from it. So you can do it. You just have to be able to sit in it, figure out what the things are that happened, right? What things was it that I was doing or wasn’t doing that I needed to be doing?

and how can I reset so that I can do those things next time.

Brandi Lewis (29:26)
Wow, yeah, I think that’s really good, especially giving yourself grace through it all. I think when you’re sitting through something, it’s so easy to be so hard on yourself. It’s so critical, back to that other question, and really just looking at your life so negatively instead of giving yourself grace within that time. Because we will all inevitably battle something in life, and we all probably have at this time in our life.

Letisha Harris (29:36)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (29:53)
⁓ So I think it’s really important to know that and to give yourself grace through that. I love that you said that.

Letisha Harris (29:58)
Yeah, also I was going to say, get a friend, you know, get a trusted friend, someone who can be there with you, someone who can support you, someone who understands where you’ve been or where you’re going, someone who knows you, who can support you in that and can navigate through your triggers, right? Because you will be triggered by it, right? You might be triggered by that rejection or by that failure, right? You might be triggered the next time. You might not want to apply for that school because you didn’t get in the last time.

Brandi Lewis (30:01)
Yeah.

Letisha Harris (30:27)
So that may be a trigger, right? You need somebody who can motivate you to say, let’s give it another chance. It didn’t work that time, but it might work this time. Someone who can help you reset.

Brandi Lewis (30:36)
Yeah,

I love somebody that can really motivate you and ⁓ just kind of be an outlet. And you really have to have that person. For me, it’s my mom, to be honest. I’ll call her and I’m like, someday she knows when I’m just like, I’m struggling today ⁓ and I’ll call and she’s like, you okay? I’m like, no, not really. She’s like, I knew you weren’t.

Letisha Harris (30:41)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah. Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (31:03)
⁓ But

it’s good to have somebody to be able to vent to. And like you said, that can keep pushing you through and motivate you through those times. That is really good advice as well. I love that.

Letisha Harris (31:11)
Mm Yep.

Brandi Lewis (31:15)
All right, we, well, that actually moves us into our next segment, which is actually our next topic is talking about relationships and communication. And one of our listeners sent in a question and their question is, how do I set boundaries without feeling selfish or hurting someone? Boundaries is very important. I am big on boundaries. I love this question.

Letisha Harris (31:22)
Mm-hmm.

So, when I read this question.

Yes, me too.

When I read this question, instantly was like, I reverted back to this book that I had read. ⁓ And I’m drawing a blank on what the name of the book is, but it’s about setting boundaries, basically. ⁓ And really, it focuses in on boundaries are going to hurt, right? Boundaries are going to hurt, and you’re going to most likely

feel bad about it, right? And that selfishness falls into that category of feeling bad, right? Because if we didn’t feel bad about being selfish, we would be selfish all the time, right? So that’s what stops us from feeling, or that’s what stops us from being selfish is feeling bad about it, right? The boundaries are not about you feeling bad, right? And you will, you will, especially if you haven’t set them, right? If you have not, and none of us come out of the womb setting boundaries, right? ⁓ Nobody is.

is genuinely great at it, right? People are really good at it and people really stick firm to their boundaries, but it’s not oftentimes the easiest thing to do, right? And especially if you’re close to the person or if it’s like family or those kinds of things, you often will lean, be more lenient on those boundaries, right? But when you’re setting boundaries, it’s going to feel uncomfortable for you and for the person you’re setting the boundary with, right?

Brandi Lewis (32:38)
Yeah.

Letisha Harris (33:03)
But I always think about it like this. Do I want to hurt now or later? Right? Do I want to be hurting now, right, before I invested time, energy, effort, and whatever that looks like into this person, this situation, this circumstance, or do I want to do it later? Because I can hurt a little bit now, setting that boundary, or I can hurt a whole lot later after I gone through all of whatever I’ve gone through because the boundary wasn’t there.

Brandi Lewis (33:08)
you

Letisha Harris (33:33)
Right? And the boundary I always use that’s a very simple one is setting a boundary for me at night. So like I don’t take phone calls after 10. Right? That’s a boundary. mean, it’s not necessarily my boundary, but it’s a simple boundary. Don’t take phone calls after 10 o’clock. Right? I then also don’t call people after 10 o’clock because I know that that’s a boundary that I have. Right? And boundaries are for you. So boundaries are for you as the person. Right? They protect you.

Brandi Lewis (33:33)
Yeah.

Letisha Harris (34:02)
but they also keep the other person aware of where your standards lie. So I’m not going to take phone calls after 10. If you call me after 10, this is going to be my response. This is going to be the consequence that you receive. And that’s a boundary. So what is the thing? What is the thing you’re setting? What is the consequence? And remembering that many times people set consequences that they’re not going to keep.

Right? And or they set the consequence knowing that if that consequence happened, they’re going to hurt somebody. Right? But when you set boundaries, you don’t have to set extravagant consequences. Right? The consequences have to be manageable for you and understood by the other party. Right? So that when that party, if, when and if that party steps over that boundary, they know that they’re clear about stepping over it.

Brandi Lewis (34:39)
Yeah.

Mm.

Letisha Harris (35:02)
Right? And if they’re not clear about it, that you have set a consequence, right, or a response to your boundary that allows for them to grow or change in that area. Right? Because some people, if you don’t have no boundaries and then you start setting boundaries everywhere, people are going to cross them because you ain’t had none. Right? You didn’t have any boundaries. So people are going to walk all over those boundaries in the very beginning. But if you can have

Brandi Lewis (35:03)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Letisha Harris (35:29)
consequences or responses to those boundaries that allow for that person to grow, right? Allow for you to give that person or lend that person grace, right? Like if you call me after 10 o’clock, I’m never talking to you again. It’s not a realistic consequence for the boundary, right? So the consequence might be, you know, I’m gonna, you know, block you at 10 o’clock, right? Like you’re not gonna be able to call me after 10.

Brandi Lewis (35:43)
Yeah. Yeah.

Letisha Harris (35:55)
I will resume your ability to call me at six o’clock or what seven o’clock, whatever it looks like, right? And that’s just the basic one. But whatever the consequences, it has to be something that you can manage and that at the lowest level, you can manage it. Not, know, if the person walks all over that over and over again, you can still manage it and not feel terrible about yourself. Right? So boundaries are about you. And then they’re about being able to navigate another person.

around how they can behave with you, around you, or toward you.

Brandi Lewis (36:29)
Yeah, think boundaries are so, I think they’re so good to have, but I love that you made it, you made people aware that it’s not gonna feel good to set a boundary. It’s uncomfortable. Like you said, it is. You feel bad for doing it, but it’s like, know you’re doing the right thing, but you feel bad for doing it. So I’m so glad that you spoke to that, because I think a lot of people,

Letisha Harris (36:29)
And so they’re going to hurt.

Mm-mm. Very.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Brandi Lewis (36:55)
that want to set a boundary or try in the beginning and then don’t hold up to it, they’re like, I don’t know if this is what I should be doing. I don’t feel comfortable with it. But like you said, it’s not comfortable at all. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Letisha Harris (37:00)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it’s very uncomfortable, especially when it’s family, especially when it’s family or when

it’s close friends. It’s very uncomfortable, but boundaries save you from a lot of things happening and from a lot of things, from being involved in and embraced in a lot of things. It protects you from those. And that’s what boundaries are intended to do, is to keep you in a place where you feel confident in yourself and, you know,

Brandi Lewis (37:13)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Letisha Harris (37:31)
Somebody’s yelling at you and you say, my boundary isn’t, I don’t yell at people and I don’t want people yelling at me. That’s a boundary. And if you yell at me, we’re going to be done talking. That’s a boundary. That’s a response to the boundary. And so if that person does that, which people often do, when you set that boundary, people often do that. You then are able to say, now remember, we talked about this. I’m going to be done talking now because you have erased your voice at me.

Brandi Lewis (37:39)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Letisha Harris (38:00)
We can resume a conversation later, but right now we’re going to have to be done. Right? And that feels very uncomfortable. Right? Yes. Yes.

Brandi Lewis (38:04)
Yeah, I think it’s so gross. It is very uncomfortable, but

I think it’s showing also, and you said this also, but it just shows that, you know, this is what I know I deserve this. And I know that I deserve someone to not yell at me. And I know that we can have a nice conversation without someone raising their voice. And this is where I am. This is how I want you to respect me or treat me. I think it’s really just showing and exuding that a lot. Yeah.

Letisha Harris (38:17)
Mm-hmm.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yep.

Brandi Lewis (38:34)
But I love that you said it’s not easy and it’s not comfortable at all, but it is necessary. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Letisha Harris (38:37)
No. no, it’s never comfortable. And it does hurt. And it will feel

like you’re being selfish. But do you want to hurt now or do you want to hurt a little bit now or hurt a whole lot later? You really have to think about where your hurt level is and what you want to go through because that boundary wasn’t set.

Brandi Lewis (38:52)
Yeah.

Yeah, and this just hit me as well with boundaries is the confrontation that comes with it. I feel like when I have had to set a boundary, you have to confront and you have to be, I mean, you can always confront a nice demeanor, but you have to speak to that person and say, this is a boundary. I have to now start setting boundaries with you and confrontation is not easy either all the time. ⁓ So you do have to stick to that. ⁓

Letisha Harris (39:05)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (39:27)
But you do learn a lot, I feel like, with setting boundaries.

Letisha Harris (39:28)
Yeah. And oftentimes when you have confrontation with boundaries, it’s because it’s something that you have tolerated for so long that you don’t want. You don’t want that thing and you’ve tolerated it for so long and you have gotten fed up with yourself and now you’re confronting it, right? But boundaries save you from that, right? Because now it’s like a rule and regulation for your life. This is my rule. This is my regulation.

Brandi Lewis (39:37)
⁓ yeah.

Yes, true. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Letisha Harris (39:56)
This is the policy that I have put in place when we entered into this friendship, relationship, whatever it looks like. These are some of the policies that I put in place. You’re not following the policies. These are the consequences of those policies. And now I’m enacting the consequences of the policy because you didn’t follow.

Brandi Lewis (40:09)
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I think that’s beautifully said and something that, like you said, we’re not born with, but something that I feel like everybody should know and be taught is how to set those healthy boundaries within relationships. Because when it comes down to family, it’s also hard. you have relationships within family and sometimes it’s hard to navigate that because they are family. ⁓ But you have to have those boundaries as well. Necessary. Yeah. All right. Our next question and

Letisha Harris (40:25)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah. Yep.

Brandi Lewis (40:43)
talking about relationships and communication is how do I forgive someone who hurt me without losing myself?

Letisha Harris (40:53)
Forgiveness is really hard. Forgiveness is one the hardest things you probably do, right? And it really depends on what you’re forgiving and what your capacity is to forgive it. So when you forgive someone, right, you let go of the pain that they’ve caused you, right? It doesn’t mean that the pain ends. It means that you let go of holding that person hostage for that pain.

Right? So when we say, I’m going to forgive you, right? That’s just the beginning stage of the process that you now go through. But that person is no longer holding space in your head because of their offense, right? Because of the thing that they’ve done or the pain that they’ve caused you, right? But now, after you’ve forgiven them, now you have to go through the process of working through the pain, right? And oftentimes people get lost in that space.

where then they feel like everything that they’ve gone through with this person, whomever the person is, they feel like everything that they’ve gone through was a waste, right? But the truth is, is that this person did something that hurt you, and now you’re releasing that hurt, right? And that hurts. It hurts to release that hurt, right? Because especially if it’s like, if you look at a childhood trauma, right? And you’ve gone through your whole childhood and you’re now in your teens, or maybe you’re an adult.

Brandi Lewis (41:45)
Yeah.

Yes.

Letisha Harris (42:14)
or young adult or older adult, and you have experienced all of that childhood right, and your life has been circled around that childhood trauma you experienced, right? And now you’re in a space where you’re saying, I wanna let that go, I wanna forgive that, right? Now you have to unravel your life, right? Because your life has been based and built on that childhood trauma.

Brandi Lewis (42:38)
Mm.

Letisha Harris (42:39)
So now you have to erase that, right? So a thing that you’ve experienced, right? You’re choosing to forgive it and let it go, right? Release it, right? And release that space that that person is holding, right? Well, now you have to fill that space with something else. Because your life, whatever it is, you have been filling that space with whatever that thing was that you either didn’t forgive or couldn’t forgive. And now you have to release it, right? So you let it out.

So now there’s something else that’s going to fill that space. And now you have to decide what it is that you’re going to fill that space with. And oftentimes that feels like you’ve lost yourself. Because most of your whatever since that thing happened has been based on that thing happening. And so now you have to figure out how to fill that space with something else. But you haven’t really lost yourself. You just have to redefine what that space holds.

Brandi Lewis (43:23)
Yeah, yeah.

Letisha Harris (43:36)
because that space no longer holds the unforgiveness from that experience. It now holds a space of forgiveness, a space of opportunity, a space of recognizing that pain, right? Being able to recognize that pain and heal from that pain. And what does that look like? Who is the person that you want to be, right? That circles right back around to the goals. What is the goal you want to have from forgiving that person? When you forgive that person and let that thing go, what is the goal you have, right? If it’s…

Brandi Lewis (43:41)
Hmm.

Letisha Harris (44:05)
infidelity in a marriage and you want to give that person another chance. What does that look like? What does another chance look like? What are the expectations you have on yourself? What are the goals you want to meet in that relationship or in that marriage or whatever that looks like? What is that goal now? Right? That’s what you’re filling that space with, right? So it can feel like a loss for yourself, right? Because that unforgiveness was holding that space. So now what are you going to put in that space?

Brandi Lewis (44:25)
you

I love that. I think it’s so easy to not forgive. I feel like it’s easier to not forgive than to forgive somebody and to move on. Why is that? Why is it so much easier for us to do that?

Letisha Harris (44:41)
Mm-hmm.

It is.

It is

and it’s because now I have a reason to hold that I Have a reason to hold that I have a reason to behave the way that I’m behaving I have a reason to do what I’m doing right because if you hadn’t done I wouldn’t be doing right if you hadn’t done I wouldn’t have to deal with right and human nature human nature is not accountable for itself The flesh is not accountable for itself

Brandi Lewis (44:56)
⁓ mm-hmm. Hold it.

Right. ⁓

Yup.

Mm.

Letisha Harris (45:19)
The flesh will take blame for everything, will blame everybody else for what’s happening. If you think about a child, a little kid, a two-year-old or a three-year-old, and you come and you tell them, you ask them, did you eat the cookie? Cookies all over the face, all on the hands. And they say, no, I didn’t eat the cookie. Timmy ate it. They’re blaming Timmy for it. Or the cookie jumped in my mouth. I didn’t eat it. The cookie jumped in there.

Brandi Lewis (45:24)
Wow.

It’s nothing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Letisha Harris (45:48)
crawled down my throat, right? They take every opportunity not to take ownership, right? But forgiveness requires you to take ownership for your behavior, for your response to the offense that has happened to you, and for your healing. If I can sit here and say that you did that to me, and if you hadn’t done that to me, then I wouldn’t have to deal with, right? I’m not taking accountability for my behavior, right?

Brandi Lewis (46:00)
Mm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Letisha Harris (46:17)
I’m not taking accountability for my own healing process. I’m blaming you for being unhealed and unable to be able to recognize the pain that I’m in. Right? That’s your fault. But in actuality, when we forgive somebody, we release that, their responsibility to it. Now we have to deal with the responsibility of it. And it feels overwhelming. And it feels like now I have to recognize that I’m a little, you know.

Brandi Lewis (46:28)
Yes.

Letisha Harris (46:45)
I need some healing, right? Like I need some work to be done with me. And now I have to take that next step and take that action. And that is why it’s so hard. And that is why it’s so easy to remain in unforgiveness. Because I don’t want to take accountability for my process of healing. So I can blame you.

Brandi Lewis (46:47)
Yes.

And I don’t want to do the work. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, that is a, that’s a hard topic. And one, think a lot of people deal with is forgiving and it’s a life lesson. feel like everybody goes through in some capacity is forgiveness. Yeah. And, and, and how to forgive.

Letisha Harris (47:16)
Absolutely. Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (47:22)
My parents have always, which I understand now that I’m older, but my parents have always talked to me and my sisters about forgiveness and what that means and why you should forgive. And it’s more for you than for that person. It’s for your own healing so you can move forward and move on in life. ⁓ And you, you know, I’ve seen people in life that haven’t forgiven something and they keep bringing that

Letisha Harris (47:32)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Brandi Lewis (47:48)
thing up and you know about it and you hear it every time you’re around them. Like you can probably say it with them in the way that they say it every time. You know what it is. Um, and my, my parents have definitely taught us through that. Like that’s not what you want to become because it holds you back more than you moving forward and moving out of that. Yeah. Yeah. Good lesson. I love that question.

Letisha Harris (47:51)
Yeah.

Yep. Yep.

Yeah, yeah, because that’s the lens. That’s the lens that you live your life through.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (48:17)
All

right, now we want to move into the topic that is also very important, but talking about grief, ⁓ loss, and life transitions. So the first one, first topic, or sorry, the first question we’ll talk about on this topic is how do I cope when life doesn’t go the way I plan? Talking about life transitions.

Letisha Harris (48:27)
Hmm.

Yeah, the biggest thing is to grieve that, right? Take the opportunity to grieve that. So you want it to be married at 30 and you’re not? Take the opportunity to grieve that you’re not married at 30. So grief happens not just when someone, when you lose a loved one or when you lose a pet or when you lose something, you know, when you lose something, right? It’s not just that. It’s also when expectations are not met. When you wanted that job and you didn’t get it.

Brandi Lewis (48:52)
Hmm.

Letisha Harris (49:09)
Right? You really worked hard to get it. You worked successfully to get it. You know, you’re at the position where you can receive it and you don’t. Right? Everybody’s telling you, yeah, you got it, you blah, blah, blah. And then you don’t get it. Right? Take that opportunity to grieve that. Take the opportunity to sit in that grief space. What does that look like for you? What does that feel like? What are you experiencing? What is the emotion that you’re experiencing? And then reset your goal. Because it’s a plan.

Brandi Lewis (49:23)
Yeah.

Thanks.

Letisha Harris (49:39)
Right? It’s a plan. It’s not going to be exacted the way that you expect it to. Right? Sometimes you go on a road trip, right? And you’re like, you plan out the trip. You’re like, we’re going to go down this road. Then we’re going to take this road. And then you get down that road a little bit and there’s a detour. You saying this is going to set me back about two hours, right? But you go down the detour, right? But you have to take that moment in that time when you say it’s going to set me back two hours. What?

Brandi Lewis (49:54)
Yep.

Letisha Harris (50:08)
can I get from this? It did not go the way that I planned for it to go. But what can I learn from that plan being changed? And always be flexible. Remember that life is not the way, know, life is not as complicated, one, that we make it. It’s not as complicated as we make it. But we cannot be so rigid that when something happens or when a life thing does not go the way that we planned it to go, that we break down.

Right? We just have to reset. We have to grieve that opportunity that we did not get or grieve that thing that did not go the way that we expected and reset and say, you know what, that goal didn’t get met, but that’s why I got a backup plan. And that’s why I got a backup plan. Right? Plan B, C, D, E, F, G. Right? You have to be able to have a reset opportunity. So grieve that thing that happened or didn’t happen and reset.

Brandi Lewis (50:46)
Yeah.

Letisha Harris (51:06)
so that you can go back and still accomplish the goal, right? But you’re just not gonna accomplish it in the plan that you had. And that’s okay.

Brandi Lewis (51:13)
Yeah,

yeah, I’m such a planner. And that’s a life lesson I had to learn. I feel like I learned it more just going through all my health stuff, just because, you know, your doctor be like, Okay, I think you’ll we’re gonna, you know, down the road, this is what I see for you. And then you get there and you’re like,

I’m still where I was. This is not, you know, why aren’t I further along? And like you said, you have to learn in life to be flexible. I mean, that goes for careers, that goes for family, that goes for relationships. Like, you really have to learn to be flexible. And like you said, take the time to grieve that. Don’t spend so much time on it where you’re lost in it, but take that time, grieve that and move forward because…

Letisha Harris (51:34)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yep.

Right.

Yeah?

Brandi Lewis (51:58)
Like you said, there could be a life lesson in that, but then that could have been saving you from something else that you had that was much better for you. But like you said, like, I think that also goes back to the rejection part of it as well and really understanding and sitting in that rejection and moving on from it. Because rejection can be hard. It can be hard, especially, I mean, I’ve had time to time where I’ve applied to a position and I’m like, I am great for this position.

Letisha Harris (52:04)
Yep. Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Yeah? Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (52:26)
resume looks great for it. And maybe you get a call or I’ve gotten the call, I’ve done the interview and then I don’t hear anything back. And in my mind, I have already planned out my life for this job. ⁓ Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. In my mind, I’m claiming it. This is my job. I’ve already planned in my mind how I’m going to show up on the first day, what initiatives I want to take, and then you don’t get it and wow.

Letisha Harris (52:33)
Yep.

Yeah, yeah, you set a plan. You got the job. In your mind, you got the job. Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

Brandi Lewis (52:54)
Like you said, you have to grieve that for a minute. Yep. And then reset. All right. Our second question on this topic is, how do I accept that some things are out of my control? Ooh, this is a good question.

Letisha Harris (52:54)
Yeah.

Yep. And then reset.

Except

that some things are out of your control. Things are out of your control. Realistically, if we look at life, and we really look at life, and we really break it down, 90 % of the things that happen are out of our control. We get on the road, we get to on the road and we drive somewhere, right? And we think, ⁓ I got this, right? And then a car jumps in front of you. That’s out of your control.

Brandi Lewis (53:14)
Yeah, just accept it.

Yeah.

Letisha Harris (53:38)
You’re sitting at a meeting or maybe even on Instagram and somebody writes a nasty comment that’s out of your control. 90 % of the things that happen to us are out of our control. 10 % of them are, right? How we respond to it, right? So things that are out of your control, first of all, you have to decide if you’re going to accept it. And if you do accept it, let it go.

Brandi Lewis (53:48)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Letisha Harris (54:05)
If you’re

not going to accept it, what is going to be your response to it? So if it’s something that you cannot control, and then your response is to try to control it, then you’re going to create upset for yourself. But if you choose to accept it, then you choose to move forward from it. How do I move forward from this? This is something that I don’t have any control over. Losing my job, I didn’t have any control over. Layoffs or…

Position changing right and shifting and moving and so they’re letting go of people right? I don’t have any control over that But I can control how I respond to it. I can choose to be upset. I can choose to ⁓ Attack the company I can choose to you know go in there and tell them off I can choose to do that or I can choose to say this is a great opportunity for me to really do something that I want to do Right you get to choose how you respond to the things that are out of your control

Brandi Lewis (54:39)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Letisha Harris (55:01)
So the first thing you need to do is accept that they’re out of your control. Right? Because if you know it’s out of your control, then you need to just accept that. Right? You don’t say, I’m going to try to control this even though I know it’s out of my control. That’s just going to cause you more upset. Right? Accept that it’s out of my control. I know it because I’m telling you it. Right? I’m telling you that this is out of my control. So accepting it is the first step. Then you get to respond to it. Accept that it’s out of your control. And now how do you respond to it?

Brandi Lewis (55:12)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

I think that’s so good and just on the topic of control, so many people try and control things within life and it’s like they’re holding on to control or trying to hold on to something when they know that like you said, 90 % of the things that happen are out of our hands.

Letisha Harris (55:42)
Mm-hmm. Good.

Mm-hmm.

Brandi Lewis (55:59)
Why

would you say that people try and control different relationships, different, just whatever it is, different areas of life? Okay?

Letisha Harris (56:06)
Fear. It’s fear.

Fear of whatever the thing is. So fear of rejection. Sometimes it’s fear of success. Sometimes it’s fear of ⁓ uncertainty. Fear will keep you holding on to something that you should be letting go of. So a relationship that’s really not working. But you feel like you can change that person. You will tighten the reins, and you will hold on to that person. And you will.

Brandi Lewis (56:27)
Yeah.

Letisha Harris (56:35)
monitor their every move. You will monitor what they do, monitor what they say, monitor how they respond, monitor all of these things, right? You’re trying to control the situation so that the outcome is what you want, right? And so when you are trying to control something, you’re afraid that if I let it go, the outcome will be what I know it should be, right?

Brandi Lewis (56:58)
Wow.

Letisha Harris (56:58)
Especially

if it’s a relationship that you should be letting go of, right? You know that you should be letting go of that relationship. Many people who are in relationships that they should let go of know that they should. But they have a fear that if they let it go, what will then be?

Brandi Lewis (57:08)
Yeah.

Wow, that is so good. think I’ve just seen that, you you see that in life of people trying to hold on to things. And like you said, it’s it’s out of fear, which is now it’s very understandable. Like I get it now. Yeah. All right. Now we’re going to jump to the topic of self care and emotional regulation. And a question that was submitted was, how do I start taking care of myself?

Letisha Harris (57:25)
Okay, yeah.

Brandi Lewis (57:40)
when I always put others first.

Letisha Harris (57:44)
Put yourself on the list. So find a place on that list and put yourself on it. Write yourself. I tell people who are very task oriented or very family focused, I tell them to write themselves in the calendar. So if you have a calendar or you have tasks that you need to do, write yourself in that calendar. Write yourself in that task. And if it’s five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, I just need to take a walk for myself. Write that in your calendar.

Brandi Lewis (57:46)
Yeah.

and

Yeah.

Letisha Harris (58:15)
Write

that in your space so that you can commandeer that space with the thing that you need to do for you. Because if you can’t do the things that you need to do for you, everybody else is getting secondary behavior. Even though you think you’re putting them first, everybody else is second on the list because yourself is not getting what it needs. So everybody else is getting a mediocre level of who you are because you’re not putting yourself in a place.

Brandi Lewis (58:28)
Yep.

Yeah.

Letisha Harris (58:44)
that can rejuvenate you to be able to give out. So you have to be able to find that space and put it in your calendar. Put it in your work calendar, put it in your home calendar, put it in your family calendar, create, you know, maybe it’s a weekly dentist appointment or a monthly dentist appointment or whatever, right? You know, doctor’s appointment. mean, put it in there, write it in there as a monthly doctor’s appointment, right? It will trick your mind into thinking.

Brandi Lewis (59:08)
Yeah.

Letisha Harris (59:14)
that we have to do something that is important, right? Which self-care is, but it’s a self-care opportunity. So doctor’s appointment. I’m going to go to get my nails done. I’m going to go to the spa. I’m going to take a 30 minute walk, whatever it looks like, right? Write in the appointment, write in a note. Allows you to do the appointment right because your brain thinks this is very vital, right? And then you can do the self-care.

Brandi Lewis (59:17)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I think it’s such a great habit to start. And while you were talking, it also made me think of moms, new moms, moms that are just starting their family or have really young kids. You know, it’s so hard in their mind to put theirself first. But like you said, if they do that, then they, everybody else gets the best of them because they’re putting theirself first, but start that habit. And it could be something small, like you said, walking. Yeah.

Letisha Harris (59:49)
Mm-hmm.

Absolutely.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Yeah.

it’s a task. You have to look at it as a task because it’s not going to become a pleasure until it becomes something that you do consistently. And if it’s something that you never do, it’s going to be hard for you to see it as a pleasure until you create it as a task.

Brandi Lewis (1:00:16)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. I love that. Yeah

Letisha Harris (1:00:30)
Because most

people are task-oriented. People that don’t have self-care issues or have self-care or do things for themselves. They’re oftentimes task-oriented.

Brandi Lewis (1:00:41)
Yeah, yeah, so plan it out. Make it something like you said that you’re going to do, whether weekly, monthly, or whatever it may be. Okay, our next question is, what are practical ways to manage emotions when I feel stuck in sadness or anger?

Letisha Harris (1:00:49)
Yeah.

When I read this question, I instantly thought of what is causing the sadness or the anger. So what is the root of those feelings, right? Because those feelings are actually the same feeling. There’s just two different responses. So sadness can oftentimes come from hurt, right? But anger can also come from hurt. So what is the root of the sadness or the anger, right?

Brandi Lewis (1:01:14)
Hmm.

Hmm.

Letisha Harris (1:01:29)
So how do you feel? is the actual root cause of it? And how do you sit in that? Because you have to be able to recognize it, feel it, and then heal it. So recognizing that you’re sad. Then feeling sad. What am I feeling? Why am I feeling it? And then how can I stop feeling it? So practical ways. One would be to recognize it.

Right? Recognize the root of it. Where does it come from? What is the root of this? And is this anger built in sadness, right? From a hurt I’ve experienced? Or am I angry about something that is injustice? Right? Because those are two different angers, right? I can be angry about injustice. Then I have to figure out why am I angry about the injustice. What in me is triggered by that injustice? Right? And how?

Do I navigate through that? So one, you have to be able to recognize it. Two, you have to be able to feel it, sitting in it, embracing it. And then you proceed to take the steps, the steps two, three, whatever, many steps it is for you, but you take the steps to say, I feel this. I recognize that this is anger. I feel angry because of this.

And then you can begin to say, I no longer want to feel angry and this is what I’m going

Brandi Lewis (1:02:59)
Hmm.

Letisha Harris (1:03:00)
So you have to take the steps to do whatever to do what it is. Right. So it could be as simple as journaling it out. Right. I’m angry about something that happened years ago. Let me journal that out. Journaling it out. Talking it out. Right. Sometimes seeing a therapist helps. Sometimes a trusted friend helps. But talking it out. And then when you think about managing.

when you say managing your emotions, managing your emotions is really just regulating them. So you’re really getting to a base level with your emotions, right? A space that is calm, right, and consistent. That’s what managing your emotions is. So if your emotions are everywhere, right, you have to find that base. So what is the thing that creates that base for you? What is the thing, person, space, whatever it looks like that creates that space?

Place for you that base level and find that When you find that then you’ll be able to come back to that Sometimes you know you’ll see with kids like they’ll be all over the place I’ll be screaming and hollering or crying or whatever it looks like right and sometimes a hug will calm them bring them right back down Right or you telling them calmly, you know, take a deep breath, right? So breathing is a great exercise, right? journaling it breathing it

Brandi Lewis (1:04:16)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Letisha Harris (1:04:28)
but you have to be able to first recognize it. Then you can sit in it. And while you’re sitting in it, you can use breathing exercises, meditation, you can use journaling. Those are three great practical tools that you can use to help sit your, sit in that emotion and navigate through.

Brandi Lewis (1:04:31)
Yeah.

I love that. For me, journaling gets my thing. Even when I’m frustrated in the moment and before I’m like, this is what I want to say to that person, like, hold on, let me go just type it out real quick. And then I get it out and I feel so much better. ⁓ Just writing it out, typing it out. Sometimes I’ll just type it out in my notes app and delete it afterwards.

Letisha Harris (1:04:52)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, yeah.

Yeah, you released it.

Yeah!

Brandi Lewis (1:05:15)
just getting it out how I’m feeling because that’s really, I feel like sometimes those the emotions that you feel around that time are really you. It’s rooted in you and you have you can’t always show up in a relationship like that. You can’t always show up to a person with that angry bitter feeling. ⁓ And so that’s why I love the journaling and I think that’s very healthy.

Letisha Harris (1:05:26)
Yeah. ⁓

No.

Right. Yeah.

Yeah, and journaling is simple.

You know, I tell people because when people think about journaling, they think about like a diary, right? Like the diary is, you know, all my notes and all my life’s whatever challenges will be in this book. And I always tell people when you’re journal, you’re really just getting your thoughts out, right? It’s like brainstorming. You’re getting all of that stuff out of your head so you can really zero in on whatever that emotion is or whatever that experience is. Right? So I tell people write it out.

Brandi Lewis (1:05:45)
Okay.

Yeah.

Thank

Letisha Harris (1:06:07)
and then rip it up and throw it out. You don’t have to keep those notes. You don’t have to keep those thoughts laying around your house. You can write them out and then throw them out, right? But it helps to organize your thoughts. So then you can begin to present whatever that is to the other party, right? If you come, every time you come to talk to somebody about something that’s bothering you or upsetting you or you’re struggling with, and everything is jumbled.

Brandi Lewis (1:06:09)
Yep. Yep.

Yeah.

Letisha Harris (1:06:34)
That person’s never going to be able to receive anything from you. But if you can organize those thoughts to be in a place where that person is able to understand and receive, then you can get a lot further than all the jumbled up thoughts and processing that happens in your head.

Brandi Lewis (1:06:37)
Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah, for me, feel like it helps me to, it clears my mind where then I’m actually able to think rationally about the situation and approach it better than I would have if I didn’t do that. Yeah. All right. We have one more question and this is from the topic of life purpose and motivation. So our last question is, how do I find direction when I feel lost or unsure of my next step? Great question.

Letisha Harris (1:06:57)
Yep. Yep.

Yeah, absolutely.

How do you find direction? So I think the biggest thing when you’re seeking direction is to really navigate. Well, first of all, I’m Christian, so I’m seeking spiritual direction. I’m seeking spiritual understanding and clarity. But the biggest thing when you’re seeking direction is to really know what it is in some capacity you’re looking for, right? Because if you don’t have any clue what you’re looking for, right?

And when you’re saying lost, lost is an understanding that you at some point were found, right? Because if you’re lost, but you were never in a place where you weren’t lost, you wouldn’t know that you’re lost. So there was a point where you felt like you were going on the right path, and then you felt like you got off of that path, right? So the biggest thing is what is the ultimate goal for where you’re going?

Brandi Lewis (1:07:58)
Mm.

Letisha Harris (1:08:19)
So if you are headed down this path and you get a detour or something like that, now you feel like you’re completely lost and you don’t have no idea where you are or no idea what you’re doing or where you’re going, Where’s the goal? Where’s the goal? Go back to, reset back to the goal. When we have sessions with our clients and we have a treatment plan, so we have a plan and a goal that they want to meet, right? And if at any point during that time,

they get lost or they get sidetracked by that goal, we go back to that goal and we say, is this still the goal you want to So what is the goal? What is the goal? And how did you get off that goal? And are you really lost or unsure? Or has your goal changed? Has the focus of your goal changed? Because that is what’s going to take you in the right direction.

Brandi Lewis (1:08:57)
Hmm.

Letisha Harris (1:09:15)
Great example, I went to school, when I first went to school, I went to school for journalism. I was going to be a journalist, I was going to work at the newspaper, I was going to do all of that great stuff. I was going be editor, wonderful stuff, right? At some point, that no longer was the path that I wanted to take. I had to reset, and I had to find a different path that helped me and aligned me with the goal that I actually have, right?

Brandi Lewis (1:09:32)
Hmm.

Letisha Harris (1:09:44)
Direction that I actually need to be going in right the purpose that I’m here for right so Oftentimes why we can’t find the right direction is because we don’t know what the purpose is So find what your purpose is. What is your purpose for being here? What is your purpose or your goal right that will help you? Navigate to the right direction

Brandi Lewis (1:09:54)
Mm.

That’s so true. That’s so good. Yeah. I feel like in life, we have probably all had our own goal that we’ve set for ourselves. But like you said, then you get into life and you find your passion and your purpose and what you’re meant to do here in the world. And that goal changes and it’s okay. Yeah. I love that. Yeah.

Letisha Harris (1:10:23)
Yeah. Yep. Yeah. It’s absolutely okay. And

it happens. It’s going to happen many times in life. We’re going to have goals that we set and or expectations or end or be heading in a direction. Excuse me. And it needs to change. Right. That’s not that thing is not the next step. And get off of the trajectory of every step has to be met because sometimes you skip a step.

Brandi Lewis (1:10:33)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yep.

Letisha Harris (1:10:52)
sometimes

you have to go back to a step, right? So you’re not gonna be going up all the time. Sometimes you need to go over, right? Sometimes this staircase is broken down and you need to get off of it and go on another staircase, right? Sometimes the elevator is broken and you gotta go find the stairs. So you have to be able to reset. And that’s the biggest thing is that when you feel like you’re lost or you feel like you’re not doing what it is that you.

Brandi Lewis (1:10:54)
Yeah.

true.

Yep.

Letisha Harris (1:11:19)
you really want to or really have a passion for. Really navigate, what is it that I have a passion for? What is it something that I enjoy doing without the pressures of whatever else? Is something that comes naturally to me? Something that I truly enjoy and embrace? Something that even if I’m not feeling it, it brings me satisfaction and joy, right? Even if I’m like, I really just don’t want to go today, right? I go anyway.

Brandi Lewis (1:11:41)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Letisha Harris (1:11:48)
and then I’m enlightened, I’m empowered, I’m rejuvenated by this thing. And if that’s what it does for you, that’s your passion. And now you have to figure out how to get to wherever it is that you want to go with that passion.

Brandi Lewis (1:11:56)
Thank

Yeah, I think that’s a great way to end this podcast too. We’ve talked a lot, just covered a lot of areas, but really I hear a lot about the goals and the purpose within life and how that navigates you. The importance of forgiveness, the importance of self care and putting yourself first. So I think there’s a lot of good things within this episode that speaks to a lot. Thank you so much for being on the podcast again.

Letisha Harris (1:12:21)
Yes.

Yes, thank you for having

me.

Brandi Lewis (1:12:30)
Absolutely,

absolutely.